3 Years

It's been 3 years since I wrote in this. I wrote a post a couple months ago but reading back it fucking sucked. I feel sad right now. Ever since I started this anti-anxiety stuff I keep getting this weird feeling where I want to go back to how I used to feel and it's weird. For some reason a part of me just misses feeling sad and acting sad and having people care about me... even though, I have that right now. I have a big friend group that's supportive and they're great. I love them. Just, get that feeling a lot. I absolutely wouldn't be able to function without the stomach stuff that I take and the anxiety stuff but sometimes....

I'm happy a lot, and I can do more stuff. Sometimes I worry that it takes away the other emotions that you normally feel. I don't know. Just weird.

I'm also sad being alone, but that's for another day

Keep On Swinging.

Wish school would start already so I could begin the process of transitioning into school again already. Seeing that doctor while being in school is going to be interesting. It'll also be nice to see Anna every day at least, and to see some of my other friends. May not have that many, but i'm going to make sure those that are left are treated very nicely.

The herd are sent to their slaughter.

So until you start ignoring me again, it looks like we're friends again.

The voice of reason.

It seems that when i'm happy I actually have absolutely nothing to write here. I just feel obligated to write something at least.
Ever since I started taking that medicine my anxiety has gone down an amazing amount, and i've been with the girl that I liked all year (And for the first time in a long time a relationship of mine has lasted longer than 3 weeks, it's almost been two months now!)
So far, we're just spending as much time as we can together while waiting for the school year to start. I'm just so happy that after being so close last October and it not happening (not completely my fault, I blame a certain monster person for that.) that we finally got together basically right after school ended. I mean, we both saw it coming. Two weeks after my last relationship had ended I noticed that Anna and I began hanging out all day in school. Then we started hanging out after school, even though she used to just go right home. Then we started going for food together, and then doing whatever after school things there were just so we could spend even more time together. A few days after school had ended it just happened, and I was so excited, and i'm still excited. This is really special, she came in to my life again at the absolute perfect moment.
She even waited three weeks to see me. My anxiety had started to get really bad and I was waiting for my soon to be therapist at the time to come back from vacation so we could set something up and the day that he did and I had a bit of a meltdown and I told her I couldn't see her until he came back. And, she was okay with that. That to me showed that she is really something special. Thanks to a friend of mine, I started taking this over the counter medication for anxiety and it worked fast so I was able to see her a few days before he came back.
We make each other really happy, and that's all that really matters. This year was going really downhill for a while but for the last three-ish months it's been going uphill again. Hopefully, when winter time comes around this year it won't be so bad. Now that I have her and i'm seeing that therapist, I a feeling that winter won't be so bad this year.
Cuddling up with Anna under a nice warm blanket sounds awesome, and I can't wait for it.

Off the spoiled seed till it's pure.

Suddenly really upset.
That guy really needs to come back, now. I can't live like this any longer. All I want to do is see you and hug you and kiss you but I can't even do that.
I really wish I could have noticed I need professional help a while ago. I told my mom a year and a half ago I needed help but she never did anything and i'm not sure I would have went with it if she actually did.
I really need this to pass, I hate this. This is not me. The only time i've been able to be myself for the last two weeks is when i'm with you.
He's back in four days. And I might see you in five. I have to see you on the 4th. I'm so scared of so many things, I hate this right now.
I should go.

Take me away.

I have to stay positive.
When I stay positive, the bad feelings go away. But it's so hard, and I don't have any other ways to cope with the anxiety feeling. Thankfully, in less than a week and a half i'll be going to someone to work on this problem. Hopefully i'll learn to deal with it and I can go back to actually living my life the way I want to, not the way the beast on my back wants to.

Ashes of the wake.

It's amazing how bad the anxiety has gotten in the last day alone, WOW.
I had so much fun today, but at times it got so bad...