Blackened.

Something feels awfully wrong about today.
I've had this open for 15 minutes now just trying to think of something to write about but I can't really think of anything to say.
Man was last night really odd.
It's not everyday that your friend from California says she likes you a ton.
Oh well, i'm gonna go listen to more music.

The Dark Of Eden.

Last year I always thought of my school as so perfect and so far this year I've been seeing all the faults in it.
The more of myself I am, the more and more faults I see in it.
In my head I tell myself, "alright bring it down a few" but I always end up trying to be 100% myself anyways.
School is better than last year though. The last few months weren't as fun because my 3 main friends were in this weird anger triangle thing.
Now, I'm not really that good of friends with any of the 3.
Hell, I'm not good friends with anyone there.
I have acquaintances, but not good friends.
I'm not really good friends with anyone anymore.
The last of my good friends is now just an acquaintance and we don't talk much.
I miss my good friend.

When The Darkness Comes.

Today was not that lovely of a day.
Didn't want to talk to anyone/or be near anyone in general.
All I wanted to do was play guitar all day.
And then the one time I got to be alone and away from everyone to play guitar within 4 minutes a ton of people showed up which really bummed me out.
And the fact I can't really fully express who I am at school is still really pissing me off/bumming me out too.
Need to stop being negative and be positive again, I was on a really good streak of being positive for a while there.

Make your Descent Into Madness.

The more small and really stupid things I post on here, the more I remember to actually go on here and write more.
I've been doing well with coming here and writing stuff, although almost no one reads this.
Lately i've been sorta annoyed with school, even if I love it there.
It's beginning to seem that the more i'm myself there, the more trouble I get into.
Last year I wasn't completely myself and everything was better and now that i'm acting more like myself it's been... harder in a way.
And it's been harder to talk to people this last week, which is weird. I can't really talk to anyone constantly these last few days and I don't really know how to politely tell people that I don't want to talk to anyone because everytime I do they get mad.
































This will be the one and only place I post this but i've actually been wondering what it would be like if I transferred back to DHS. I obviously would never do it, but I am wondering.

Who I Am.

I thought I had this depression thing won, but I guess not.
Here I am in the dark, by the computer, another restless night.
Well, at least I haven't totally lost. I just deal with depression in a different way so it doesn't consume and affect everything I do.
I just hate the anxiety, it's ridiculous. If I could figure out a way to deal with it by myself that'd be amazing.
Too bad every-time I "fix" it, it comes right back.
Will I ever be right again?
I hate not having a best friend, i'm also incapable lately of trying to make someone my best friend.
Or, hell, even keeping friends.
It's just so damn hard. I can't handle having to talk to someone everyday to keep them as a friend when some days I just don't want to talk to anyone.
I feel so stupid. I can't talk to anyone everyday, yet I desire to have someone to talk to everyday.

Who We Were.

Thought we were about to friends again, looks like that's a no.
What the hell happened?

Who We Are.

Reading that last post again it makes it sound like I gave up trying to be friends, which I didn't. It's just not working.

Also, I kinda wish I would write in this more and that I had some of my old friends back.

Oh, and I'd like my anxiety to go away. It only came back when I was worrying about Paige and now it's back and I don't know why it stayed this time.

Plus if my fear of sexual relations would go away, that'd be lovely too. I'm absolutely SICK of the anxiety from that.

Remember Who You Are.

We're not even friends anymore. The only time we even "talk" is in the morning when we drive to school and if we see each other else where we say hi and that's it.
Hell, I wanted to be friends but that's not working.
We're not friends anymore, even if you say you still wanted to be.