I Don't Know What You Planned On Accomplishing.

At first, I was unbelievably angry. I couldn't stop shaking, I wanted to kill everything. Maybe you wanted that.
But, then I smiled. Maybe you wanted that too.
And now I'm happy'ish. If your goal was to make me happy, you succeeded.. But for all the wrong reasons..

Done.

I'm done blogging here for a while. No one fucking reads this anyways and no one gives a fuck what I have to write here anyways, so what the fuck is the point of writing in this thing?

Friends.

I'm beginning to hate everybody, and I mean basically everybody.

Bitter.

My friend the other day asked who I liked, and I couldn't say.
Why? Because if it isn't painstakingly obvious, I'm bitter as fuck.
I like a few people, but it really doesn't matter. Every other day I realize they either don't like me, or just don't give a fuck so I don't even know why I try liking anybody.
It's also kinda pointless to tell anybody because nothing's going to happen. I'm so angry at everyone that nothing could happen at all with anybody.
I'm just gonna have to sit here and be bitter for a few months.
Bleh.

Leave.

I think it'll help when everybody leaves if I don't get attached to people too much.

Hypocrite.

I find it fucking hilarious that you wanted me back as a friend, but when I try to be your friend again you don't even care. Also, fuck being home right now. I wanna cry. Fuck.
Last Christmas break I spent 3/4 of it crying, laying down on a mattress on the floor eating cheez-its and playing batman on ps3. I'll probably do that over again minus the mattress on the floor and the cheez-its. I'll be on a couch this time.

1:11

It's 1:11.
I'm laying down, crying listening to floods by Pantera.
I can't stand this anymore I've completely cracked.
I don't even want to be alive anymore.
I don't know who I am anymore.
Why did your letter completely break me?
I haven't cried in so long, this hurts like hell. I don't want to go to school, I don't want to wake up, I quit.
Why do I keep hoping certain things will happen? Every time I do, shortly after my hope is ripped away from me and I'm left with a blank stare on my face thinking why do I keep trying. Then it builds up until I completely snap weeks later like I am right now.
Why does nothing work my way?
Why can't I be happy? Am I made to not be happy? Why did everybody leave me and turn against me?
God my head hurts.
I never thought I would say it, but I think I liked life better when everybody was making fun of me everyday in 8th. At least people would talk to me then.
I think at this point, it'd just be best to give up all hope and just live life for nothing.
I'm so scared of myself tonight, I haven't been this scared since thanksgiving break.
I'm so scared I'll hurt myself. I hate how I'm actually afraid of myself.
How much of a loser do you have to be to be afraid of yourself?
Why hasn't my mom done shit to help me?
Telling her was one of the hardest things I've ever done and it was basically fucking pointless.
Am I getting help? No. I'm laying on a couch at 1:24 am crying, trying not to wake up my brother who's sleeping a few feet away.
Fuck this rant, it hasn't helped me at all.
Fuck this blog too, it hasn't helped either. It just gives me a chance to look back and call myself stupid for being hopeful. I hate this blog. I hate life. I hate myself at this point.
I'm done with this rant.

My Fear.

I haven't been so scared I'll kill myself since thanksgiving break.

My Life 2.

Life is absolutely no fun at this point.
I slept all day today just so I wouldn't have to stay awake all day and be bitter and angry at everything but of course now I'm awake and angry and bitter at everything.
That's probably why nobody likes to talk to me anymore. I'm just beyond annoying now so the same two people talk to me everyday.
The last few days have just stripped me of all hope and happiness and whatever other happy things from me.
I'm crashing again and I don't know how much longer I can be like this. Nights are again becoming absolutely terrible and filled with suicidal thoughts. I can't stand this.

My Middle Finger To Everybody.

Fuck you. Fuck you all.
I've had it up to here with everything.
I'm fucking done.
You can all just go fuck yourselfs.
I'm done with everybody.
I'm just going to start living for myself, and myself only.
So as previously stated, You can all just go fuck yourselfs.

My Life.

Right now at this very second kinda sorta really sucks.
Every thing is just a bunch of bullshit and I can't stand things.
I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know who to call friend or who to talk to.
I feel like i've just completely .. I don't even know how to describe it.
I don't even like who I am anymore. I don't like where anything is going. It's fucking beyond difficult to find anything to be happy about anymore.
I don't want to go anywhere I don't really want to start anything new because I know everything fucking ends. Everything turns to shit. Everybody fucking leaves.
That's why i'm not fucking moving on. Everything ends fucking terribly. that's why I refuse to do anything. Meet anybody new, anything. EVERYTHING FUCKING ENDS DISGUSTINGLY THEN I BECOME AN EVEN MORE DILUTED PERSON OF WHO I WAS.

I FUCKING HATE NOT KNOWING THE HELL I AM. DO YOU KNOW HOW HORRIBLE THIS IS? I CAN'T UNDERSTAND MYSELF. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING.
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Friends Party.

My friend mike had a party at his house.
AMAZINGLY FUN.
Awesome partys without drugs or alcohol FTW.

My Almost Good Night.

I finally got my friend back, I was actually happy for once. For the first time in ever, I was actually happy at night... now I feel like an asshole for doing nothing wrong.
I posted something as a joke, you yelled at me, I removed my comment since you seemed like you were in a bad mood then yelled at me for judging you.

I'm sorry this has to be amazingly sarcastic and mean, but thanks for making me feel bad.

My Would Have Been One Year.

It would have been one year today (8th).
I wonder a lot of things.
Would I be happy?
Would she be happy?
Would I still have meet the same people I did this year?
Would I be sadder then I am now? Or happier?
So many questions, and absolutely no answers.
Sometimes in my head I miss us being friends and sometimes I don't. I really don't know what to think since my head can't ever make a decision.
To end this, I'll say;
...I'm sorry

My Absence.

I don't know why I haven't written In a week.
Everything's basically the same
I still have no hope, no self-esteem, no idea what I'm doing.
Since I don't feel like writing something long and thought inducing I'll just say, I hate life and I'm a loser.
Done with this post.