My White Flag.

I finally told my mom I was depressed. I just quit.
I can't live like this anymore.
I only told her because if I didn't, I'd do something stupid.

My Crush.

Gah, I know the circumstances but ...
Why can't you like me?
You know what, I don't even care about the circumstances anymore.
I like you so much.
But.. It's never gonna happen, I'll be sad, and I'll be forever alone.
Might as well accept it now.

My Week.

This week has kinda really sucked.
Minus some of Friday and Saturday it completely sucked.
I don't even know what to say or do anymore, i'm just out of words to say.
I'll just keep it short and simple then;
I'm sad, lonely, and crazy.

My Friend Jake.

Is a pretty chill guy.
As I was sitting on his floor, I decided to search through his closet which is massively full of junk.
Since 3/4 of his room was full of junk, there was plenty of stuff to look through.
After like 10 minutes we decided to clean up everything which was actually massively fun.
Fast forward 4 hours later it's like .. 70% done?
We still have some stuff to do.
Jakes pretty cool though, he's letting me have a bunch of stuff from it.
Like a shit ton of clothes that don't fit him, since I'm a medium, a iPod wall charger which I desperately needed and probably will use in a few minutes and a wallet and when we find it his old cell phone and charger.
He told me to consider it his Christmas present to me, which is totally cash (really awesome.)
Jakes a pretty awesome dude.

My Heart.

I seriously just want to cry.
As stated earlier, my last bit of hope was just stripped from me.

























































Everybody I've loved, has left me. Everybody I like, ...
:'(
Why can't things work for me for once?

My Thoughts.

I never fucking stop thinking.
All this terrible shit.
Why can't it stop?



Gah.
Rest In Peace Chelsea.

My Last Fucking Hope Torn Away From Me.

One last god damn hope.
Taken from me.
Fuck all of this.
There's no hope in this god damn world. Why the fuck do I even try?

My Pajama Pants.

Its taken half a year, but I can finally wear them again.

My Last Post,

Makes me sound really fucking crazy...
I apologize to anybody who reads that. You probably shouldn't.

My UFO Sighting.

I fucking quit.
I'm done with this fucking separation shit.
Don't ask why I suddenly am changing my mind but fuck it.
I'm done separating myself from everybody.
Actually, I don't know why I'm quitting it.
Maybe it's because I'm afraid I'm going to kill myself if I'm alone any longer.
Maybe it's... I don't know.
Maybe that's the reason.
I keep trying to think why I don't get help for this, and I'm not really sure why.
I think I don't want to tell my mom what's going on because we really don't have the money to help me.
And if we did, she'd probably make me go see somebody, and I really don't want to.
Plus, the biggest reason;
It'll hurt her.
I don't want to see my mom cry because of me.
The last time she did that was when I stupidly told her about my sudden 20 pound weight drop a few months ago.
She went from smiling to crying in like.. 2 seconds.
It was scary and I do NOT want to do that to her again.




Fuck I really gotta go to sleep, but I can't.
this X-files episode is messing with my mind.
Even though it's a work of fiction, it's really making me think.
What if the UFO I saw just a work of government?
What if it was all.. just fake.
God, I sound like a fucking psycho... please tell me no one's gonna read this.
why can't any of my friends have seen a UFO too? No one can really help me, or fully and truly understand me unless they've seen one.
They can lie and say then understand, but they fucking don't.
No one will understand what it does to your fucking mind.
Holy shit i'm scared right now. I can't stop looking up all these things about UFO's and aliens.
I've been thinking,
in the episode this man tells the main male character that all of the thousands of UFO sightings throughout the world were just staged, and fake (I assume he meant from the 20's up.)
So I thought, what about the sightings before America was established? before they possibly could be needed for the use of their technology.
I found some really interesting stuff. But then again, you aren't really sure what you can trust, because what if all that's fake?
It may sounds crazy, but you gotta suspect everything.
Everything.
In a way it kinda makes sense that the UFO sightings from the 20's up would be fake because how in the world could everything be open? Don't you think if they had all this technology, they'd be able to operate without fault?
Now i'm kinda thinking this,
What if aliens had all the info they need back then? And the government was just keeping the phenomenon going just for scare tactics? To keep the men and women and children of this country from doing anything crazy without the fear of being caught and prosecuted.
Holy fuck, this is complicated. And this is just only running off one theory. What if all those UFO sightings, and mine as well, were real?
Fuck.
The Truth Is Out There everyone.

My Horrible Night.

Last night was fucking terrible.
The whole night.
I've never wanted to die more in my life.
I was the most suicidal last night then I've ever been in my whole life, it was so scary.
I almost felt exactly like I did in that nightmare the other day.




I'm still scared. Why can't you come over and keep me company? :(

My Hopelessness.

I was kinda sorta happy a minute ago, then I..
I'll just say I think everything is hopeless now. Nothing is seeming to get any better, I can't stop blaming myself for everything, I can't stop realizing that everything I once thought was someone Else's fault was actually mine.
I have a few people tell me "Oh things will get better."
... When is it going to get better?
Has it gotten better in the past month? No.
Has it gotten even the SLIGHTEST bit better in the past month? No.
Do I think it'll get better? The way things are going, No.
I wish I never promised anybody i'd never cut again, because that sounds good about now.
I wish that if I did it again I wouldn't be breaking any promises and I wouldn't be hurting someone else.







I kinda get mad when people say "I wish the old me would comeback."
There is no such thing as the 'old you.' There was just the memory's and happiness that happened during that time, and that you are the same person still, except everything around you is completely different.
That's why I say, I wish I could go back in time and re-live the defining moments of my life.
8th Grade. Fuck you. Fuck you, and everyone who caused it to be terrible. Fuck you to everyone who hurt me that year that still continues to hurt me, with no rhyme or reason to it.
Fuck you all.

My Pure Hatred.

You gave me my hat back, and I didn't even look at you, didn't say anything and barely acknowledged you were there.
I don't know why you said thank you, I was a waste of your time. You should be Thanking me for being out of your life.
Fuck this.

My Silly Needs.

I would kill for someone to cuddle with me on the couch in my room right now.
I wish I could hold her and tell her silly stories and watch tv.
Now I want to cry thinking about this.
:(
Gah, I hate this. And my life.
Fun.

My OCD.

I seriously just spent like half an hour renaming every post on here to have "My ___" For a title instead of the original titles.
what evs, I like it better this way.

My Hate.

I seriously just want to go on some peoples wall and just put,
'I FUCKING HATE YOU.' over and over and over again.
I'm sick of everything. I'm sick of what's happening to me, but there's absolutely fucking nothing I can do about it.
So many fucking things I want to say here, but I can't.
I'll basically just say, I want love.
Not this fucking bullshit.
Not lies, and everything else.
Screw you.

My Nightmare.

I had a nightmare yesterday.
It was one of the scariest I've had in a while.
I can't remember so much, but I'll write what I remember;
I think I remember talking to people, but I'm not sure.
All I really remember is that in my dream I was extremely suicidal.
Like, I knew my death was coming.
I knew if my dream wasn't to end I would have committed suicide in it.
I have no idea what the fuck this means.
I'm getting so scared.
I'm so terrified that I'm going to do something bad to myself.
I'm so terrified that being alone and best friendless is taking it's toll on me.
I feel if I am alone for much longer something terrible is gonna happen.
...






Help me :'(

My Inability To Do Anything.

Gah.
I feel like crying and I can't even write it here.
I just know.. I can't do anything.
Even if..
:'c

My 11th Day Of Separation.

If I remember right, this is the 11th day now that I've given up talking to people first.
It quite sucks, but I can't stop.
I wish a few certain people would talk to me, but there's not much I can do about it =\
I'ma just sit here now.
Another fucking day wasted.

My Walk In Hell.

The last few weeks have fucking sucked.
Plain and simple.
I haven't fucking done any of things I used to normally do in forever.
I just tried singing and tried to get back into it, but I failed so bad, I feel like fucking crying.
I seriously hate like 99.99% of people right now...
just..
GAH. FUCK 99.99% OF YOU. I'M SO FUCKING DONE. AIEUGBUIGBIEURGURGEHATHJ.
>:'C

My Crash.

I just realized that over the day I get slightly sadder and sadder until it's really late at night when my sadness is at it's highest.
I hate that. I love the night. It's my favorite part of the day, and it's when I think best.
I wish I had somebody who would stay up real late with me and have an thoughtful conversation with me.
I want too much.

My Depression 2.

http://depressedtest.com/
Major Depression: Extremely High
Dysthymia: High-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder: Slight-Moderate
Cyclothymia: Moderate
Seasonal Affective Disorder: Moderate
Postpartum Depression: N/A

I didn't lie this time when I did it.
This shit makes me want to cry.

My Loneliness.

I've never been so lonely in my life.
I want to cry so bad.
I have no one.
No best friends to talk to.
No significant other to spend my time towards.
I just have... Nothing.
I don't even know anymore.
I know if I have someone, they'll leave.
They all do.
No one can stand to stay with me, and I understand why.
I'm crazy and annoying.
I wish they wouldn't leave..

My Nothingness.

I'm going nowhere.
School, I have no idea what I'm doing.
Socially, I have no life.
Music wise, I can't do fucking shit.
I fucking hate this.
I hate myself.
How fun.

My Finding.

"Suicide is the strongest display of courage.

Every form of life on earth, lives for the sole purpose of surviving. Survival is what makes up life, it is everything. Death is the one thing that all life fears most. No one knows what’s after it, and the thought of eternal nonexistence is pretty intimidating. Death is without a doubt the most frightening thing known to man.

To have the courage to kill yourself, is to stand against the very fabric of your instincts. It literally goes against nature to want to die. Think about it, how much courage do you need to end your existence? To purposely end all forms of happiness and comfort, to end everything you ever knew, never to feel ever again. For those who think suicide is a coward’s way out, are just ignorant, because nothing requires more courage than to take your own life."

wow.

My Seclusion.

Scratch that,

I just wish anybody who I used to talk to before I started to seclude myself would talk to me again.
Please? :(

My Want.

I wish certain people would talk to me

:cc

My Depression.

(http://www.depressedtest.com/)

Major Depression: Very High

Dysthymia: Moderate

Bipolar Disorder: Slight-Moderate

Cyclothymia: Moderate

Seasonal Affective Disorder: Slight

Postpartum Depression: N/A

Don't really know what to say to those results...

My Apocalypse.

I've been avoiding this blog like it has a fucking plague.
Actually, I've been avoiding a lot of things.
I'm not 100% sure why I avoided this thing though.
Maybe because I don't want people to know how I'm doing at the moment.
Maybe in the future when I read over my post again, I don't want to see how unbelievably angry I was.
If it hasn't been obvious to everybody by my tumblr posts, I've been extremely fucking angry lately.

Looking now, I kinda see that I haven't lived my life for myself in almost a year. I've been basically living my life for someone else.
So, I decided to start living my life for myself.
I'm still avoiding people though.
At the moment, I don't want to see too many people. I kinda just want to be by myself for a bit.
Maybe separating myself from people will actually do something good.

My Blankness.

I'm done starting conversations.
You wanna talk to me, go ahead.
I have no best friends anymore and I am beginning to feel like I have no friends either.
This will prove I basically have no friends, since nobody's going to talk to me.
Minus the possible two people who read this who might say Hi, but whatever.

My Death Inside.

I'm done