Hell.
That's how i'm going to start this post off. Hell.
I'm debating on whether to type a shit ton of crap that would just be me beating around the bush of my problems or to just say it.
Fuck it, i'm sad.
I've been sad since.. saturday night? I think.
When me and my ex talked. Also, because i'm so annoyed i'm going to be totally honest here,
Every time we talk, it either ends awkwardly and abruptly or she brings up something from the past and then the conversation gets strange and it always ends with one of us crying and the other angry.
I wish that after everything ended and I spent nearly a year being angry at you that we could have become just regular friends but no.
I guess that was destined never to happen.
Why was it that everytime we talked you would always bring up something from the past?
I really wish you would tell me but I guess it's too late. It's much too late.
Why the hell won't all of this end? It's been nearly a fucking year since we broke up and things are still awkward and terrible and i'm still messed up. I fucking quit. I'll never be the same.
Lets just forget about that for a moment. Where was I? Oh yeah, saturday night stuff.
Well after that happened I had an okay night. If you can even say it was okay.
But then all of sunday sucked too. Nothing happened at all during the day then I stayed up really late because i was hopeful of something that honestly I shouldn't have been. Nothing can happen so I should have just given up but I didn't.
Now it's monday, for some ungodly reason i didn't get up for school or anything.
the entire day, I waited.
and waited.
and waited.
and waited. but nothing. At this point I should have given up hope but I still didn't.
Then my dad came home. pissed off like usual.
went around the house angry, and yadda yadda yadda,
then, since i was sitting on the couch and he was a few feet from, he semi-walked towards me, pointed at me and said "If you miss another day I will pull you out of that school and put you back into that public school."
Call me a fag but I seriously almost cried instantly.
I don't think he understands how much that hurt.
I sat there for a minute, nearly crying until i sat up, picked my things off the couch and went to my brothers/semi my room and sat on the couch there.
Of course, 30ish minutes later my mom walks in and basically says the same fucking thing too.
I teared up even more. I had enough of hearing it from my dad I did NOT need to hear it from her too.
And that's the last i've talked to them since then.
I absolutely refuse to talk to them right now.
I hope they understand how bad that fucking hurt to hear. When i'm a father I will never ever do that to my kid.
Anyways,
now it's around 45 minutes after and then all my hope was just crushed. I don't want to get into detail but just.. ugh.
A lesson I learn time and time again is learn who to trust, which most of the time is no one.
Now we fast forward to now.
i went to school, then went to jakes because I really don't want to go home. I had a great day but of course it hit ten and I realized I was still hoping but I give up on that, or at least i'm trying. Not it's 2 am and i'm really sad and really alone and I feel betrayed. I also really have to pee but thats besides the point.
I'm such an idiot for hoping, this is my fault i'm like this. I was stupid for hoping something would happen when nothing would have or could have happened.
Now i'm going to go pee, get my headphones, listen to music and try not to cry till I fall asleep then get up and go to school and probably not go home for a while again.
I'm going to pretend to be semi-happy and semi-sad and not really tell anyone the whole story because I have no super close best friend. I don't have someone to tell everything too.
The closest person to me, I can't tell everything to.
I'm probably going to cry. I used to have so many best friends that i'd tell everything too. They're all gone.
I have no one to tell everything to, to get everything out to, to get advice from, nobody.
Yup, i'm probably going to cry.
That only makes me feel slightly pathetic. This is such bullshit.
I wish I could blame all my problems on you two but that'd be unfair.
One of you, I blame myself for, and the other iaengaoengoneogaeg.
I hate when I reach this state of mind. Where I think about suicide. I won't do it but I think about it a lot.
It's almost been a year since i've cut, and that's probably the only reason why I haven't done it. Just so I can say it's been a year on may 5th.
I just get sad when i see your name now. And when you talk to me my heart beats super fast.
but then I just get sad because nothing will ever happen.
Fuck this, i'm ending this post. no one reads this horrible shit anyways.
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