Shoots and ladders.

I can never fully get out my problems that I have to any of the people i'm really close to completely trusting. I just can't do it. This is why I don't tell anyone anything.
When I finally get people in my life who I finally think won't fucking leave me, just...
Fucking hell.

I'm scared of what's going to happen. The last time this happened to him... Well, that went to complete shit, didn't it? I almost don't want to write about this.
I'm so happy that monster is going to be gone, but what's going to come of that?
I already know the answer to that, fucking anxiety. It fucking controls my life.
We'll get close and then i'll freak out and want to be alone and then we won't be friends anymore.
I can't do that, I CAN'T. You're my best friend, I can't lose you too. I have no friends that I can constantly see everyday besides you. I'm so needy. We're so alike and we get along so well and I love hanging out with you, I can't ruin that. I haven't been able to admit I need someone in my life in the longest time...
I honestly NEED you in my life.
Fuck, this post has been all over the place. Good luck to whoever reads this.
Thinking about it, I need you but I can't let you know I need you. I'm so scared to let you get close to me. We probably are too close already.

Locust.

Hey, mom. You know how you yell at dad for not being here ever? Did you know that I actually see him more often than you? Also, congrats on making it VERY well known you only like my sister anymore. Did your daughter make you/get you ANYTHING on mothers day? No? How about your other sons? What? No? Didn't think so. Please stop making me miserable, my siblings and my father miserable. And please dear god STOP making yourself miserable. You could make this so much easier for EVERYONE. DO YOU REALIZE THAT AT ALL? FUCK. Nice going today, by the way. I get that they found out Lee is living here with us but you do know that calling the cops would make everything WAY worse than they are? THINK ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE BESIDES YOURSELF AND YOUR DAUGHTER FOR ONCE. FUCKING HELL, MOM. I USED TO BE A MOMMA'S BOY. NOW LOOK AT THIS. I CAN'T EVEN LIVE WITH YOU ANYMORE. I KNOW BEING BI-POLAR IS YOUR DAMN FAULT BUT FUCK I CAN'T LIVE WITH IT ANYMORE. I can't even go on with this post, FUCK.

The Dark Of Eden III

I think my favorite thing about this whole "find my url" thing is the fact that I don't care anymore. I don't care who finds this, I don't even care if the two of you find this. I've already given up. You won. You won so long ago that i'm still in denial about it. Well that's not true i'm getting over it now. Lately things have sucked. Ever since that god damn day. This is all YOUR damn fault. AND RIGHT BACK TO IT. Blaming everyone but myself. Well, fuck you, it's your fault. Since I can't say these things to your face i'll say them here. You suck the life out of me when even your name is mentioned or I remember you for some odd reason. You're not even here and you make my life suck. You're just like someone else I know. Well, actually, again, that's not true. I've gotten over what happened with her and i've forgiven her and she has forgiven me. With you... The hell with this, i'm done writing this.

The Dark Of Eden II

The last few days at school have been really... good. Just for all the wrong reasons, I can already tell that. Everything is flip flopping. I wanted to be older, I wanted to be younger, now I want to be older. Fuck, I opened this with a clear intention on what I wanted to write, but now I've got nothing. Shit.