My Disappearing Happiness.

Just like that,

And now my happiness is gone.
Replaced with pain and slight sadness.
I guess all things have to come to a end.
It was a good run.
Those last few days.
But all things must end.
Especially good feelings like this.
I kinda want to roll over and cry.
Mer.
At least this weekend solved something that had been bugging me for a few months.
So at least I can be generally a little bit more happy.
:(

My Downtown Experience.

Although after monday, I don't plan on going downtown for a while, i'm still glad I went there the past two days.
It's helped me get over my extreme stress, and it's gotten me out of my Music slump.
I've written of bunch of lyrics, and have written half a song on guitar.
For a demo name of it, I call it "Lamb song" since it was mainly inspired by lamb of god.
So now, I have,
'Saseculum of cluny' (no one will understand why it's titled that)
'song demo 2'
'lamb song'
and I have a shit ton of random riffs and little things I need to expand and experiment with before it's any good.

this is like the 3rd day in a row i've been pretty damn happy.
I seriously have never been this damn happy, for this long.
It's amazing.

My Idiocracy.

Her smile made my week.

The smile on Paiges face when I gave her my favorite hat for her birthday made my crappy week all go away.
It made sitting through all friday kinda sick worth it.
And I'd go through it all again just to see her smile again.
I hope she loves my hat.
I think she looks just absolutely beautiful in it and I hope to see her wear it bunches. CCCCCCCC:

My Nothing.

I've been laying down for 99% of today.
I hate today. So fucking much.
Only one good thing has happened to me today. And that's it.
Besides spending most of the day laying down, I've also been freaking out as well.
Nothing better than freaking out, being paranoid whilst laying down and having no one to talk to.
Even now that there's people online, I can't fucking talk to anyone.
I'm tired of telling people how I really am feeling. All they do is worry about me, when they really shouldn't because they have a billion otter things they should be worrying about instead.
I don't like being in this room right now.
The only light source has been this one candle, and every once in a while, somebody will peek in the room to get something or make sure I'm up/alive.
I hate this day.
Why can't it be over.
I wanna cry.
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay, and I haven't been in a long time.
Wntidihrbxkosjxucjebrkwowoxbehroibwkspcibd.

My Hate.

I hate realizing that I'm basically done progressing on the guitar.
I haven't gotten any better at the guitar in the past few months.
Actually, I think I'm kinda getting worse..
It's not even a self-confidence thing, I honestly do believe I'm slowly getting worse at playing it.
Makes me even wonder if I was any good at it to begin with.

My Question.

Are we ever too young to be in love?

One of those spam accounts on formspring asked me this and I couldn't think of a short answer for it.
I think that up to a point one can be too young and naive about the thought of love.
Afterwords, who knows.
Some will argue that one can not truly love someone till after they've been together for years, but I myself do not believe that.
I think that love works in a level sort of way.
There are different levels of love.
Meaning, the higher the level, the more you love someone.
Meaning technically one can love someone more than the other person, but I don't like to think that way.
I like to think when you are in a equal and loving relationship, you both love one another the same amount. No more, no less.
Unless you are in a unequal relationship, where one cares more than the other, then I guess one can love the other more.

My Lost Hope.

I really hope, Fallout: New Vegas doesn't take over my life.
I've already made an agreement in my head that the only time I'm leaving the house is to see Paige and when I have to leave the house.
I just hope that this doesn't go on for too too long.
just till after I beat and then some.
Also, it's amazing how her saying 3 words can completely change the course of my day.
I love you, Paige <3

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

My Fear.

I'm afraid of myself.
I'm afraid that in the future if I ever have kids it'll go really wrong.
Like, they'll inherit all the wrong things about me.
They'll have the same emotional problems as me.
They'll all be really messed up emotion wise.
They'll be happy and smiley one second and then the other extremely down and sad the next.
If I ever have kids, I don't want them to have to live the way I do.
I don't want them to ever have to experience the same things I did.
I want them to be able to be happy and to STAY happy, all by themselves.
Fuck, i'm scared of everything.

My Need For Contact.

:(

I understand why you aren't talking to me, but I would enjoy it if you would talk to me at least..
:(

My ... Interesting Day.

Today (Er well, yesterday) was interesting.
I had Paige over today which was fun and i'm glad I got to see her.
It kinda sucked that my body is really fucked up though, after a little bit my body started to overheat and I felt really sick.
After a while I figured out if I talk and keep my mind off it, I begin to cool down.
So after a while I felt better and for the last 20 minutes we got to chat and had an really interesting/hilarious conversation.
I'm sure I'll write about it on tumblr later hahahah.
I really hope I get to see her soon (after she gets back) because I love when she's over and we talk about absolutely silly shit.
Like shit I don't really talk about with anybody else, but I'll talk about it with her and there's no awkwardness to it.
I fucking love it.
She's so amazing to talk to, she keeps an amazing conversation.
And I'm so glad she understands the shit I say, because sometimes when I talk it seems like, "wjdihwbdkxihebdi" and she understands it exactly xD
I love that girl. I hope she stays with me for a whillllle because shes godamn amazing. CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC:
She puts me in such a good mood when she's around :DDDDDD
Or when she's just online and talking to me, both make me so fucking happy.
She's so... Can't even think of a good enough word.
Just.. Fucking amazing :DDD
I wish she could be with me right now, at night I have so much random philosophical shit and just random shit I'd love to talk to you about.
Sometimes, being a night person sucks.
I'm gonna sleep.
Damn I love her 8DDDD
Night!

My Terrible Day Getting Slightly Better.

Thank fucking gosh.
I can finally let that go.
At least that's one good thing about today.

My Fucking Hate For Myself.

I'm such a cunt, I'm such a cunt, I'm such a cunt, I'm such a cunt, I'm such a cunt, I'm such a cunt, I'm such a cunt, I'm such a cunt.
I want to punch myself in the face.
So much fucking work to do and I can't focus on it because i'm a fucking idiot who worrys about every possible fucking thing till I get physically sick.
Why the fuck can't I be normal? This is ridiculous.
Why the hell do you get to be normal, and I don't?
This is the kinda stuff that proves i'm a really weak person, no matter how much anybody I talk to denies it.
I'm such a demanding person, it's quite annoying, and ridiuclous.
I don't see how ANYONE can stand me.
I complaign a lot, i'm unreliable, my mood changes on the dime so my friends don't even know what to expect from me, when I get into bad moods I annoy everyone and it's extremely hard to get me out of them.
I wish I could be more normal for Paige's sake. I'm sorry to everyone who puts up with me, you deserve a less crazy friend.

My Zen.

I really wish it was still 1 am so I could watch more Zen of screaming 2.
I watched 3/4 of it and just wow.
It just really makes you think about music with screaming.
You notice tons of things you didn't before.
Just, wow.
And in a way even if I haven't practiced a shit ton yet, it gives me more confidence.
Strange.
Night night.

My Slightly Good Day.

Today was a really nice day, despite falling asleep super later than usual.
Twas 2 months today, so I had a nice time hanging with Paige in the morning cuddlin, like we usually do :3
After words first block wasn't so bad unlike usual, because I actually had my homework done this time around, so it sucked less.
It was like any other normal day in there, just minus a little bit of the suckiness.
The cool part of my day was second,
since I have to go to the lunch room because of the Juniors testing, I get to be with a bunch of my buddys.
Then I found more buddys and had lovely chats with them all, then we decided to bring in candyland so we can have more fun! :DDD
Then 3rd was the usual awesomeness that it is, and 4th was actually really awesome, instead of just regular kinda cool.
I hung out with my usual Junior buddy and this freshman kid who usually doesn't like the junior so much. hahaha.
then it was nice to see Paige again and cuddle and what not :33
There wasn't really a downside at all today. er well yesterday, and i'm super glad.
it's a change from the usual where something ruins my day since saturday.
I wish my aunts wedding could be during the week though, not the weekend. I would love to possibly see Paiges cute face sometime this weekend, but I dunno.
Holy batballs batman, it's 3:01
Should probably sleep.
...
Meh.
Might as well.

My Story.

2 months ago I sucked in my fears, grew a pair and asked Paige out who obviously said yes C:
You should have seen me, I asked her as I was talking to my buddy Kyle and I was freaking out.
I was like, dude kyle she's gonna say no, I just know it :C
I said that a few times because I was freaking out thinking she would say no.
Then when she said yes I don't think I've ever had a bigger smile on my face than that very moment.
It was like -> :D but on steroids.
Major steroids.
Part of the reason I miss summer so much is that I used to send her cute little messages before I went to bed and I wouldn't get out of bed till she responded hahaha.
Silly, but it made me extremely happy and she loved it as well from what I could tell.
I miss that, but sooner or later it'll be back c:
In a way I am almost content with where my life is going.
Obviously there's just a few things I want to change.
Like,
Me to be more serious about school
(probably won't happen)
Me being less lazy
(again, most likely won't happen)
For me and Olivia to be able to speak to each other without it being super awkward
(Once again, probably won't happen. -shrug-)
For me to be healthy
( xDDDDDD not gonna happen)
Gah. Should sleep now.
I need the weekend now.
I want to possibly see Paige again and I need to borrow my moms laptop again so I can continue leaching screaming.

My False Happiness.

It still amazes me that you're mine, I hope you know that.
Every time I see you and you are happy to see me, it makes me beyond happy.
Every time we talk and you are willing to listen and to share things with me it makes me beyond happy.
Every time we hang out together and kiss it's so awesome and magical and awesome feeling and stuffs. It still makes me wonder if all of this is real C:
Just knowing at the end of the day when I lay down to go to sleep that you are with me and love me makes me beyond happy.
I really shouldn't worry so much about losing you because we are so good together it won't happen.
I really need to remember that the next time I freak out.
The only thing I need to worry about is calming down my craziness so you won't have to deal with it so much/at all.
Gah, I hope you stick along with me for a while because Cuteface, I'd love it.
Paige, I love you.
Happy almost 2 months. (Yes I do have another silly wall post planned, you'll love it. I hope <3)

My Bad Day.

Today was a really bad day, as was yesterday.
Saturday morning (I say morning because I fell asleep pretty late) I had a terrible nightmare about Paige leaving me, and when I woke up at 2 I was extremely freaked out thinking it was real, so I laid in bed for 2 hours before I calmed down just a little to try and talk to her.
I finally did and everything was okay, but the damn dream still bothered me.
I didn't get to talk to her all too much that day which was okay because I understood she needed rest but I still felt bad.
Which leads today which wasn't really the best either. The dream was still bugging me. And for some reason as I was talking to her I just started to get really scared about everything.
It stayed like that till out of nowhere sometime at 8pm something in my mind switched and I felt a lot better.
I kept apologizing to her all day because I'm really sorry I make her go through my craziness like that. She shouldn't have to go through that. I shouldn't be this way.
What's wrong with me?
If I think hard enough can I figure out what's wrong with me?
Can anybody find out why?
Self inflicted? Beyond my control?
Fuck, who knows.
What ever it is, I apologize to anyone who has to out up with it.
I seriously do wonder how my friends put up with me sometimes. In my head I'm extremely annoying and arrogant and just plain stupid.
Plus you never know what mood I'll be in.
How can anyone like me?
Just don't get it to be honest.

My Non-Normalness.

I'm seriously considering cutting again.
I'm so fucking dumb.
I fucking hate myself.
Why the fuck can't I be normal?
Fuck myself.
I hate you.
Gah, I hate myself and my craziness.
I wanna be normal again.
:(

My Need To Cry.

For some reason,

I just want to cry right now.
I have no clue why.

My Extreme Stupidness.

I'm actually so scared of Paige leaving me, I have nightmares about it.
I actually just had one.
I feel like crying :c

My Learning.

At the second, I have an obsession with learning how to do screaming vocals the right way.
I hope to god that this obsessions last long enough for me to actually learn it right.