In the realms of the Never Dead.

You want to know why I think so highly of myself?
Because I used to let everyone tell me that I couldn't be happy. I used to convince myself that I could never be happy.
Now that I realize that's wrong I'm never going back to that.
I'd rather everyone think that I'm full of myself before I let myself become swallowed in self pity.

Beware they hold the darkest discipline.

The world is a beast that never stops changing. Things that seem important never really are.
Seeing the world this way makes things easier for me.
And for this I have to decided to try and be more artistic. I don't know how the two relate but I am.
I'm going to try and do paintings today and then later I'm gonna try to make a style of music that I've never made before.
It's going to be fun, and a good learning experience.
This post has been nice, and for some reason it seems.. Healthy. I like this.

Constantly scheming to keep us at bay.

Got my friend back. Yes.

Scraped knees and elbow cuts.

I feel so alone. I haven't talked to anyone at all really in a few days and it's kinda getting to me. I also have had trouble writing since I don't feel like I have an audience to write to anymore.
At first I hated the feeling that I was writing this not for myself and now I'm having a hard time just writing for myself.
Sometimes I wonder why we can't be friends but then I remember it's because of me.
No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
Damnit. No.
No.
If I wasn't the way I was then we would be friends. But, I guess if you can't understand that then I guess this is for the better. No matter how much it bothers me. If only it didn't matter. This would all be so much easier. Everything would great. I have to let that go. If not for myself, at least you. God, I'm writing this like you'll actually ever fucking read this. Ha. Imagine me sending this to you? I don't know how many times I've hinted to you about this place, I had always wanted you to find it. Now I see that would have been a bad idea. Then why do I still write about you? Do I force myself to? Do I really still have some feelings for you?
I have written page after page about you, it has gotten me nowhere. If only talking to yourself solved anything, I'd be the fucking perfect human being.
This entire blog just makes me seem crazy. How many more times am I going to write about you?
Guess it's impossible to resolve anything when I happen to see you every single day.
Damnit this isn't getting me anywhere. I'm just going to go to bed and try to fix whatever shit grades I can at school.

Redemption purify.

It has been a while since I haven't been confused about my feelings with someone and it's been a while since no one has had confused feelings about me. I enjoy having this clean finish to the year. Sure, it's a little saddening not liking anyone and not having anyone like me but it's kinda nice. I haven't been in the mood for any relationships or any feelings of love and that in a while, i've been too busy trying to keep myself happy and doing my school work. The last person I had confused feelings about is now finally going towards someone really nice, which makes me quite happy. The last person that had confused feelings about me is now probably angry at me and probably avoiding speaking to me, which is okay. I understand, I wasn't a very good boyfriend. Getting close to me during the early winter months is a huge no-no. And well, we didn't have a whole lot in common. So yes, i'm back to square one of being alone. I really want to date someone that's 18, though. I want someone that has the freedom to leave when they want to come see me. I noticed that with Paige one of the greatest things about the relationship was that she was so close and able to come get me, a lot. I need a lot in common, and for the person to be able to see me a lot. Again, someone 18 and over would be nice. Too bad that won't happen. Well, I am off to bed. It feels good to be able to write for myself. The words that come out are much more genuine. Now i'm off.

Where's your crown, King Nothing?

Woke up at 7, stayed home, did nothing, got my friend back. That's it. Nothing else happened today.

You're living in a fantasy, that's how you cope.

Used up way too much brain power this week. I woke up on friday morning hoping that today wouldn't require too much thinking. Walked into guitar and turns out I had to do this one playing test that I did not know was that day so I wasted all the available brain power and more that I had left and nearly started to cry right there. I then had to do another play test that I could do in my sleep but my partner I had in it was complete shit so i'm fairly certain I got a shit grade on something I seriously could do in my sleep. The only nice part of the rest of that day was when I told my social studies/advisory teacher what happened and he told me a nice story then told me to take a guitar and just play whatever the hell came to me for 30 minutes. Of course my study hall teacher only gave me 15 minutes to just go play but it's okay. I then did a poster which took the rest of the time. Still ended up feeling like shit that whole day, and then the next day still felt about the same. And now today I woke up at 3pm and again, still the same. I wish it was way later than 6 because I really just want to hurry and go to school already. Can't stand being up in the dark for very long. I really need to get out this winter. I'm gonna make this winter awesome.

Feeding blood junkie habits of the elephant man.

Been using so much energy the last few days just trying to think and write that i'm really not sure what to say. Had this open for at least an hour now and still got nothing besides that in my mind i've got nothing let to say.