Keep On Swinging.

Wish school would start already so I could begin the process of transitioning into school again already. Seeing that doctor while being in school is going to be interesting. It'll also be nice to see Anna every day at least, and to see some of my other friends. May not have that many, but i'm going to make sure those that are left are treated very nicely.

The herd are sent to their slaughter.

So until you start ignoring me again, it looks like we're friends again.

The voice of reason.

It seems that when i'm happy I actually have absolutely nothing to write here. I just feel obligated to write something at least.
Ever since I started taking that medicine my anxiety has gone down an amazing amount, and i've been with the girl that I liked all year (And for the first time in a long time a relationship of mine has lasted longer than 3 weeks, it's almost been two months now!)
So far, we're just spending as much time as we can together while waiting for the school year to start. I'm just so happy that after being so close last October and it not happening (not completely my fault, I blame a certain monster person for that.) that we finally got together basically right after school ended. I mean, we both saw it coming. Two weeks after my last relationship had ended I noticed that Anna and I began hanging out all day in school. Then we started hanging out after school, even though she used to just go right home. Then we started going for food together, and then doing whatever after school things there were just so we could spend even more time together. A few days after school had ended it just happened, and I was so excited, and i'm still excited. This is really special, she came in to my life again at the absolute perfect moment.
She even waited three weeks to see me. My anxiety had started to get really bad and I was waiting for my soon to be therapist at the time to come back from vacation so we could set something up and the day that he did and I had a bit of a meltdown and I told her I couldn't see her until he came back. And, she was okay with that. That to me showed that she is really something special. Thanks to a friend of mine, I started taking this over the counter medication for anxiety and it worked fast so I was able to see her a few days before he came back.
We make each other really happy, and that's all that really matters. This year was going really downhill for a while but for the last three-ish months it's been going uphill again. Hopefully, when winter time comes around this year it won't be so bad. Now that I have her and i'm seeing that therapist, I a feeling that winter won't be so bad this year.
Cuddling up with Anna under a nice warm blanket sounds awesome, and I can't wait for it.

Off the spoiled seed till it's pure.

Suddenly really upset.
That guy really needs to come back, now. I can't live like this any longer. All I want to do is see you and hug you and kiss you but I can't even do that.
I really wish I could have noticed I need professional help a while ago. I told my mom a year and a half ago I needed help but she never did anything and i'm not sure I would have went with it if she actually did.
I really need this to pass, I hate this. This is not me. The only time i've been able to be myself for the last two weeks is when i'm with you.
He's back in four days. And I might see you in five. I have to see you on the 4th. I'm so scared of so many things, I hate this right now.
I should go.

Take me away.

I have to stay positive.
When I stay positive, the bad feelings go away. But it's so hard, and I don't have any other ways to cope with the anxiety feeling. Thankfully, in less than a week and a half i'll be going to someone to work on this problem. Hopefully i'll learn to deal with it and I can go back to actually living my life the way I want to, not the way the beast on my back wants to.

Ashes of the wake.

It's amazing how bad the anxiety has gotten in the last day alone, WOW.
I had so much fun today, but at times it got so bad...

Shoots and ladders.

I can never fully get out my problems that I have to any of the people i'm really close to completely trusting. I just can't do it. This is why I don't tell anyone anything.
When I finally get people in my life who I finally think won't fucking leave me, just...
Fucking hell.

I'm scared of what's going to happen. The last time this happened to him... Well, that went to complete shit, didn't it? I almost don't want to write about this.
I'm so happy that monster is going to be gone, but what's going to come of that?
I already know the answer to that, fucking anxiety. It fucking controls my life.
We'll get close and then i'll freak out and want to be alone and then we won't be friends anymore.
I can't do that, I CAN'T. You're my best friend, I can't lose you too. I have no friends that I can constantly see everyday besides you. I'm so needy. We're so alike and we get along so well and I love hanging out with you, I can't ruin that. I haven't been able to admit I need someone in my life in the longest time...
I honestly NEED you in my life.
Fuck, this post has been all over the place. Good luck to whoever reads this.
Thinking about it, I need you but I can't let you know I need you. I'm so scared to let you get close to me. We probably are too close already.

Locust.

Hey, mom. You know how you yell at dad for not being here ever? Did you know that I actually see him more often than you? Also, congrats on making it VERY well known you only like my sister anymore. Did your daughter make you/get you ANYTHING on mothers day? No? How about your other sons? What? No? Didn't think so. Please stop making me miserable, my siblings and my father miserable. And please dear god STOP making yourself miserable. You could make this so much easier for EVERYONE. DO YOU REALIZE THAT AT ALL? FUCK. Nice going today, by the way. I get that they found out Lee is living here with us but you do know that calling the cops would make everything WAY worse than they are? THINK ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE BESIDES YOURSELF AND YOUR DAUGHTER FOR ONCE. FUCKING HELL, MOM. I USED TO BE A MOMMA'S BOY. NOW LOOK AT THIS. I CAN'T EVEN LIVE WITH YOU ANYMORE. I KNOW BEING BI-POLAR IS YOUR DAMN FAULT BUT FUCK I CAN'T LIVE WITH IT ANYMORE. I can't even go on with this post, FUCK.

The Dark Of Eden III

I think my favorite thing about this whole "find my url" thing is the fact that I don't care anymore. I don't care who finds this, I don't even care if the two of you find this. I've already given up. You won. You won so long ago that i'm still in denial about it. Well that's not true i'm getting over it now. Lately things have sucked. Ever since that god damn day. This is all YOUR damn fault. AND RIGHT BACK TO IT. Blaming everyone but myself. Well, fuck you, it's your fault. Since I can't say these things to your face i'll say them here. You suck the life out of me when even your name is mentioned or I remember you for some odd reason. You're not even here and you make my life suck. You're just like someone else I know. Well, actually, again, that's not true. I've gotten over what happened with her and i've forgiven her and she has forgiven me. With you... The hell with this, i'm done writing this.

The Dark Of Eden II

The last few days at school have been really... good. Just for all the wrong reasons, I can already tell that. Everything is flip flopping. I wanted to be older, I wanted to be younger, now I want to be older. Fuck, I opened this with a clear intention on what I wanted to write, but now I've got nothing. Shit.

Enough space.

Every time I hang out with Marc and Jake, I get to do a lot of laughing. Hanging out with those two is just one hell of a time, and I cherish it since it almost never happens anymore. The last two days i've been with them, staying at his house helping them record their album they decided to write and record this week. And again, i'm just having an amazing time. It also gives me an excuse to not talk to anyone but them. Which is bad because lately in the last few months i've already begun talking to people less and less. I also noticed whenever i'm near Marc and Jake their odd problems always get me thinking about my own problems and usually always right after i'm done hanging with them I do something about my problems. I just... I just want nothing to do with anyone but myself anymore. I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I'm trying SO hard with all of this, i'm trying to force myself through the motions of it all but it's just not working. It's probably myself this time around, i'm trying to find the problem within myself but I can't. She's so fucking amazing and lovely but there's just something in me that's wrong. I wish to me it was so painfully obvious to see. I wish I cared about anything enough to figure it out. I'm so fucking closed off from EVERYONE. I'm so full of myself, I KNEW this would happen. I never let myself have any self confidence because I was afraid i'd become full of myself and I said I never would, but I am. I fucking hate it. But I can't go back to self pity. There's just no way to balance this crap. The only thing I need, is to figure out how to transfer all this into music. That's all I care about anymore. Just fucking writing and music.

Dominion.

Although we may not be friends and we will probably never be friends again, i'm always rooting for things to go your way and for you to find happiness. I know you'll read this eventually.

The fault in the sky.

I have possibly found the reason for my anxiety. It was an answer that I didn't really see coming. I don't like it. I'm gonna think about it today and see if it's true. Man, I hope it's not true. We'll see though. If it's true... i'll deal with it. I've got to overcome it though. It's making my life so difficult and crap when everything should be fine. Bed now, figuring this out, later.

Career suicide is not real suicide.

That was seriously the worst nightmare i've ever had. Never has a nightmare left me incapable of doing anything for hours. I woke up from it and then a few minutes later my mom walked into the house because she went to the store for something and I just jumped up, ran over to her and hugged her and start sobbing. I haven't been able to sleep because it's still kinda bugging me. I don't even know if I want to talk about it. I've only written exactly what happened in my journal. There's only one other person I know that I would tell what happened to and that's.. Well if you've read my blog up till this point you know exactly who that person is.

The boy who became a man.

This year is going to be so much fun. Possibly going to Florida in December, i'm actually happy now, getting my hedgehog, i'm actually gaining friends for once. My music is going to go somewhere. Everything is progressively looking up. So, It's Jan 9th so it's now time for resolutions, now that i've had time to think about them all. 1. Help at least one person achieve true happiness 2. Pass and make it to senior year at CATA 3. Try not to lose anymore best friends 4. Make more friends 5. Get help around October and November if it gets bad again. 6. Try not to waste anymore days doing nothing 7. Go outside more 8. Be more social 9. Post more of my personal thoughts. 10. Learn to trust everyone again 11. I'm going to get a job, it's time. I tried as hard as I could last year to not get one because I wanted to be a kid as long as I could but now it's just delaying the inevitable. and the last one I can think of, 12. I'm going to find a brilliant lady this year. I'm not going to rush it, or take it too slow. It's going to be brilliant. Maybe i've already met her, who knows. She's there though, I will find her this year.