Burn the obedient.

So now my brother has been gone for two days. He ran away two days ago. We know who he's staying with but it's still weird not having him here. I stayed home today. Not completely sure why. I just didn't want to get up. Maybe it's because i've been staying up till 3+ am all week and all vacation but I also just didn't want to go. Usually when I stay home I wake up at 11 or 12 and I usually have dreams of waking up at 3 so when I get up at 12 it's a relief. This time I really did wake up at 3 and I dunno, today was just uneventful. I think i'm getting better because despite staying in all day and not having much social interaction I didn't start to become scared of myself. It was either the large amounts of How I Met Your Mother or the fact that it almost (and now is) December and that's usually when I start to get used to it and feel better at night. I hope so. Can't take much more of this "I get terrified of myself at night" because it is just terrible. Yesterday was weird because I couldn't quite comprehend what I was feeling that day. I just had no emotion. Today was weird. I cleaned all the dishes and then helped my dad make food (I even picked what we were going to eat) and then while I was helping him I looked over and saw a box of pumpkin bread mix and decided to make it. Three things I rarely do; help with dinner, bake something/cook something for others, and clean the dishes. I do those things rarely, and sometimes only when i'm told. (Happens maybe 3-7 times a year. The food that is, and baking. Dishes I get yelled at to do a bunch a year. I never do them on my own.) I also can't tell if I did that so I wouldn't think about being home all day or it's because my brother still isn't home. Maybe it was a bit of both. Yesterday when he wasn't here I told one person about it and I told them that it didn't really worry me, since I knew where he was but maybe it is affecting me. I mean, I did dishes, and helped with dinner and whatnot. Haven't written since... I had this cool ink pen that I used in school to write in the journal my friend made me. I can't really figure the difference between the content on here and my journal but it seems different. When I write more i'll be able to tell. It's probably that here I know a few people who read it and there I still write like someone is reading it but I know no-one is. I'm still controlling of what I write there too, but a little less than here. I think the difference is that, those are my day thoughts and these are my night thoughts. The difference is really interesting to me. Scratch that to a point, re-reading my journal i'm more honest and name oriented there and I get deeper with things. And I write a lot of "I hopes" in there. I'm further noticing as well, that I actually remember a lot more about the days I wrote that stuff in. I remember sitting in the old puppetry room with my friends and feeling like it was the 2010-2011 school year again. I remember my excitement when I got to use a ink pen. I had always wanted to use one. Never have I realized how beautiful it is to remember things.

In the purge of heavens law.

It just hit me, it was worth risking our friendship to see if this time it'd work. You know why? Because a lot of good things came from it. A lot of nice memories. Does it matter than in the end you ended it? No. I do not regret risking our friendship for that time we had together. I'd do it again and again. I love you, and it was worth it. The more things I realize, the easier it is to let this all go and move on. I'm going to be okay. Even if at the moment I miss you. One day this will all be okay and this pain will all be gone. And one day I will prove that you really don't know me that well.

Death has reared himself a throne.

I asked my friend for Christmas if she could make me a leather journal and she did and I received it today. Even before I got it I decided that it would be used for my personal personal thoughts. A place where I have no bias. (I know who a few of you are that read this so it's nice to have a place where I have no bias as to what I can or cannot say.) (Bias the right word i'm looking for here?) (Probably not.) And I decided that when the time comes I'll mark that it's a different month, like December, January etc etc and for the years as well. And with this I decided that I wanted a quote there and the first one that came up was the line from Edgar Allan Poe's "The City In The Sea" Lo! Death has reared himself a throne... Maybe one day i'll let you read this all. If I remember right, it's been 2 years since the first time you broke up with me. It should have stopped there, maybe then we'd still be friends. Maybe then car rides wouldn't be depressing and i'd be able to have a decent relationship and I would be able to trust people. This makes it sound like I blame you for this stuff, I actually believe a part of this is me as well. I force myself not to trust people, I tried too little at the appropriate times to try and save our friendship, and I still let my past feelings destroy everything. I'm trying now. I'm gonna try and trust you. This better not be a mistake.

Regurgitate The Past.

I just read through every post I've ever made.
I actually almost vomited at one point.
Man I miss being anxiety free.
The amount of blind hatred I had made me sad as well.
And the posts about Paige killed me slightly.
Well, way more than slightly.
My friend made me a leather journal and I will be receiving it today. I'm probably going to use it to write down my emotions.
So basically this, but without the prior knowledge of who reads it. (I know 3 of you who regularly read this. [You're probably the only ones who do, actually.] )
I'll probably end up transcribing them and posting it here as well.
I've spent a lot of today trying to do small things I used to do a year or two ago in hopes that it'd make me feel better and it didn't really work because I know sooner or later I'll have to deal with current problems.
Oh well.
3:17am, better leave.

A legend in his own mind, enthroned by lies.

I lost another friend. That's okay I guess. Cry about it and then move on. Didn't so my school work. That's okay. Get yelled at then move on. Don't want to hang out with anyone. That's okay. Ignore everyone and have them be mad at you. I do not like today. Today is a bad day. It's so hot and this fan is doing nothing to help lower the heat. I feel very sick. Why can't it be summer and sunny again. I can't handle this darkness anymore. This is the only time I ever hate being myself, and for that matter it's the only time I allow myself to hate myself. (Did that sentence even make sense?) Please stop all of this. Dear god I hate this so so much. I hate the darkness, please make it stop. Please please.

Burn Or Keep On Walking.

Sometimes I see your name on facebook chat and I wonder, what would it be like if I suddenly starting talking to you again? Then I realize that it'd probably be a bad idea, but that "what if?" is always there. Although, I also realize that if they started talking to me i'd have no idea what to say and would probably make some excuse to got offline. It's weird. I have closure on the whole thing but I feel like I don't, even if I do. Hm. One day, all this will be solved.

The Memories Cripple You.

Been doing really bad in school thanks to the shitty internet that we have around here. (Can't look things online, can't research stuff, can't email teachers. etc) Been really unhappy because my ex really wants me back whilst i'm struggling to get over feelings from someone else all of this happening while the amount of sun I get is affecting me as well. This is why I hate November and December so damn much. I can't take all this shit right now. Just like clock work, it's starting to get terrifying in my head.

Eh.

Can't even be bothered to write about what's going on. I just have so little motivation to.

Built To Fall.

Slightly wondering as to why I have this.
Was it because I needed a way to communicate to you without actually speaking to you?
Was it because I needed a place where I knew there was the slight chance that no one would actually read it?
Either way I don't really need it, but again I do.
I write down my feelings more in here then I tell anyone else.
I never tell anyone anything. I've only had two people that I've trusted enough to tell my feelings to. One of which does not speak to me anymore and with the other we're not that great of friends despite her saying something along the lines of "let's stay best friends."
Yeah, because that totally worked.
Not saying it's her fault that we're not really friends anymore but hell, I'm trying to become best friends with her again.
I dunno.
I'm just kinda tired this week.
The weather has really been effecting me, like I knew it would.
And last week and so far this week has been horrible, along side the weather making me feel worse.
First, it was the nightmares every night except Thursday night.
Then it was the horrible Saturday suicide scare, which lead to power outage. Which then lead to monday where there again was another suicide scare except this one was worse because my friend called me on the phone balling her eyes out and I immediately started to cry because i've never heard her cry and I thought he was dead so it was just.. Yeah.
The only "decent" day so far is today where it was really awkward and the 4 of us involved were split up most of the day. Really glad today passed without incident because I have no idea what o would have done if there was another scare... I'm just absolutely drained, and well I'm fairly certain we all are.
Oh, and despite my really positive attitude and mentality I've gained, nights are slowly becoming horrible again. Just like last November.
Which makes me scared of any upcoming vacation time. Every vacation I get insanely depressed and it's just really bad.
Oh god, I'm actually really scared of that... :(