Burn the obedient.

So now my brother has been gone for two days. He ran away two days ago. We know who he's staying with but it's still weird not having him here. I stayed home today. Not completely sure why. I just didn't want to get up. Maybe it's because i've been staying up till 3+ am all week and all vacation but I also just didn't want to go. Usually when I stay home I wake up at 11 or 12 and I usually have dreams of waking up at 3 so when I get up at 12 it's a relief. This time I really did wake up at 3 and I dunno, today was just uneventful. I think i'm getting better because despite staying in all day and not having much social interaction I didn't start to become scared of myself. It was either the large amounts of How I Met Your Mother or the fact that it almost (and now is) December and that's usually when I start to get used to it and feel better at night. I hope so. Can't take much more of this "I get terrified of myself at night" because it is just terrible. Yesterday was weird because I couldn't quite comprehend what I was feeling that day. I just had no emotion. Today was weird. I cleaned all the dishes and then helped my dad make food (I even picked what we were going to eat) and then while I was helping him I looked over and saw a box of pumpkin bread mix and decided to make it. Three things I rarely do; help with dinner, bake something/cook something for others, and clean the dishes. I do those things rarely, and sometimes only when i'm told. (Happens maybe 3-7 times a year. The food that is, and baking. Dishes I get yelled at to do a bunch a year. I never do them on my own.) I also can't tell if I did that so I wouldn't think about being home all day or it's because my brother still isn't home. Maybe it was a bit of both. Yesterday when he wasn't here I told one person about it and I told them that it didn't really worry me, since I knew where he was but maybe it is affecting me. I mean, I did dishes, and helped with dinner and whatnot. Haven't written since... I had this cool ink pen that I used in school to write in the journal my friend made me. I can't really figure the difference between the content on here and my journal but it seems different. When I write more i'll be able to tell. It's probably that here I know a few people who read it and there I still write like someone is reading it but I know no-one is. I'm still controlling of what I write there too, but a little less than here. I think the difference is that, those are my day thoughts and these are my night thoughts. The difference is really interesting to me. Scratch that to a point, re-reading my journal i'm more honest and name oriented there and I get deeper with things. And I write a lot of "I hopes" in there. I'm further noticing as well, that I actually remember a lot more about the days I wrote that stuff in. I remember sitting in the old puppetry room with my friends and feeling like it was the 2010-2011 school year again. I remember my excitement when I got to use a ink pen. I had always wanted to use one. Never have I realized how beautiful it is to remember things.