I Don't Know What You Planned On Accomplishing.

At first, I was unbelievably angry. I couldn't stop shaking, I wanted to kill everything. Maybe you wanted that.
But, then I smiled. Maybe you wanted that too.
And now I'm happy'ish. If your goal was to make me happy, you succeeded.. But for all the wrong reasons..

Done.

I'm done blogging here for a while. No one fucking reads this anyways and no one gives a fuck what I have to write here anyways, so what the fuck is the point of writing in this thing?

Friends.

I'm beginning to hate everybody, and I mean basically everybody.

Bitter.

My friend the other day asked who I liked, and I couldn't say.
Why? Because if it isn't painstakingly obvious, I'm bitter as fuck.
I like a few people, but it really doesn't matter. Every other day I realize they either don't like me, or just don't give a fuck so I don't even know why I try liking anybody.
It's also kinda pointless to tell anybody because nothing's going to happen. I'm so angry at everyone that nothing could happen at all with anybody.
I'm just gonna have to sit here and be bitter for a few months.
Bleh.

Leave.

I think it'll help when everybody leaves if I don't get attached to people too much.

Hypocrite.

I find it fucking hilarious that you wanted me back as a friend, but when I try to be your friend again you don't even care. Also, fuck being home right now. I wanna cry. Fuck.
Last Christmas break I spent 3/4 of it crying, laying down on a mattress on the floor eating cheez-its and playing batman on ps3. I'll probably do that over again minus the mattress on the floor and the cheez-its. I'll be on a couch this time.

1:11

It's 1:11.
I'm laying down, crying listening to floods by Pantera.
I can't stand this anymore I've completely cracked.
I don't even want to be alive anymore.
I don't know who I am anymore.
Why did your letter completely break me?
I haven't cried in so long, this hurts like hell. I don't want to go to school, I don't want to wake up, I quit.
Why do I keep hoping certain things will happen? Every time I do, shortly after my hope is ripped away from me and I'm left with a blank stare on my face thinking why do I keep trying. Then it builds up until I completely snap weeks later like I am right now.
Why does nothing work my way?
Why can't I be happy? Am I made to not be happy? Why did everybody leave me and turn against me?
God my head hurts.
I never thought I would say it, but I think I liked life better when everybody was making fun of me everyday in 8th. At least people would talk to me then.
I think at this point, it'd just be best to give up all hope and just live life for nothing.
I'm so scared of myself tonight, I haven't been this scared since thanksgiving break.
I'm so scared I'll hurt myself. I hate how I'm actually afraid of myself.
How much of a loser do you have to be to be afraid of yourself?
Why hasn't my mom done shit to help me?
Telling her was one of the hardest things I've ever done and it was basically fucking pointless.
Am I getting help? No. I'm laying on a couch at 1:24 am crying, trying not to wake up my brother who's sleeping a few feet away.
Fuck this rant, it hasn't helped me at all.
Fuck this blog too, it hasn't helped either. It just gives me a chance to look back and call myself stupid for being hopeful. I hate this blog. I hate life. I hate myself at this point.
I'm done with this rant.

My Fear.

I haven't been so scared I'll kill myself since thanksgiving break.

My Life 2.

Life is absolutely no fun at this point.
I slept all day today just so I wouldn't have to stay awake all day and be bitter and angry at everything but of course now I'm awake and angry and bitter at everything.
That's probably why nobody likes to talk to me anymore. I'm just beyond annoying now so the same two people talk to me everyday.
The last few days have just stripped me of all hope and happiness and whatever other happy things from me.
I'm crashing again and I don't know how much longer I can be like this. Nights are again becoming absolutely terrible and filled with suicidal thoughts. I can't stand this.

My Middle Finger To Everybody.

Fuck you. Fuck you all.
I've had it up to here with everything.
I'm fucking done.
You can all just go fuck yourselfs.
I'm done with everybody.
I'm just going to start living for myself, and myself only.
So as previously stated, You can all just go fuck yourselfs.

My Life.

Right now at this very second kinda sorta really sucks.
Every thing is just a bunch of bullshit and I can't stand things.
I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know who to call friend or who to talk to.
I feel like i've just completely .. I don't even know how to describe it.
I don't even like who I am anymore. I don't like where anything is going. It's fucking beyond difficult to find anything to be happy about anymore.
I don't want to go anywhere I don't really want to start anything new because I know everything fucking ends. Everything turns to shit. Everybody fucking leaves.
That's why i'm not fucking moving on. Everything ends fucking terribly. that's why I refuse to do anything. Meet anybody new, anything. EVERYTHING FUCKING ENDS DISGUSTINGLY THEN I BECOME AN EVEN MORE DILUTED PERSON OF WHO I WAS.

I FUCKING HATE NOT KNOWING THE HELL I AM. DO YOU KNOW HOW HORRIBLE THIS IS? I CAN'T UNDERSTAND MYSELF. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING.
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Friends Party.

My friend mike had a party at his house.
AMAZINGLY FUN.
Awesome partys without drugs or alcohol FTW.

My Almost Good Night.

I finally got my friend back, I was actually happy for once. For the first time in ever, I was actually happy at night... now I feel like an asshole for doing nothing wrong.
I posted something as a joke, you yelled at me, I removed my comment since you seemed like you were in a bad mood then yelled at me for judging you.

I'm sorry this has to be amazingly sarcastic and mean, but thanks for making me feel bad.

My Would Have Been One Year.

It would have been one year today (8th).
I wonder a lot of things.
Would I be happy?
Would she be happy?
Would I still have meet the same people I did this year?
Would I be sadder then I am now? Or happier?
So many questions, and absolutely no answers.
Sometimes in my head I miss us being friends and sometimes I don't. I really don't know what to think since my head can't ever make a decision.
To end this, I'll say;
...I'm sorry

My Absence.

I don't know why I haven't written In a week.
Everything's basically the same
I still have no hope, no self-esteem, no idea what I'm doing.
Since I don't feel like writing something long and thought inducing I'll just say, I hate life and I'm a loser.
Done with this post.

My White Flag.

I finally told my mom I was depressed. I just quit.
I can't live like this anymore.
I only told her because if I didn't, I'd do something stupid.

My Crush.

Gah, I know the circumstances but ...
Why can't you like me?
You know what, I don't even care about the circumstances anymore.
I like you so much.
But.. It's never gonna happen, I'll be sad, and I'll be forever alone.
Might as well accept it now.

My Week.

This week has kinda really sucked.
Minus some of Friday and Saturday it completely sucked.
I don't even know what to say or do anymore, i'm just out of words to say.
I'll just keep it short and simple then;
I'm sad, lonely, and crazy.

My Friend Jake.

Is a pretty chill guy.
As I was sitting on his floor, I decided to search through his closet which is massively full of junk.
Since 3/4 of his room was full of junk, there was plenty of stuff to look through.
After like 10 minutes we decided to clean up everything which was actually massively fun.
Fast forward 4 hours later it's like .. 70% done?
We still have some stuff to do.
Jakes pretty cool though, he's letting me have a bunch of stuff from it.
Like a shit ton of clothes that don't fit him, since I'm a medium, a iPod wall charger which I desperately needed and probably will use in a few minutes and a wallet and when we find it his old cell phone and charger.
He told me to consider it his Christmas present to me, which is totally cash (really awesome.)
Jakes a pretty awesome dude.

My Heart.

I seriously just want to cry.
As stated earlier, my last bit of hope was just stripped from me.

























































Everybody I've loved, has left me. Everybody I like, ...
:'(
Why can't things work for me for once?

My Thoughts.

I never fucking stop thinking.
All this terrible shit.
Why can't it stop?



Gah.
Rest In Peace Chelsea.

My Last Fucking Hope Torn Away From Me.

One last god damn hope.
Taken from me.
Fuck all of this.
There's no hope in this god damn world. Why the fuck do I even try?

My Pajama Pants.

Its taken half a year, but I can finally wear them again.

My Last Post,

Makes me sound really fucking crazy...
I apologize to anybody who reads that. You probably shouldn't.

My UFO Sighting.

I fucking quit.
I'm done with this fucking separation shit.
Don't ask why I suddenly am changing my mind but fuck it.
I'm done separating myself from everybody.
Actually, I don't know why I'm quitting it.
Maybe it's because I'm afraid I'm going to kill myself if I'm alone any longer.
Maybe it's... I don't know.
Maybe that's the reason.
I keep trying to think why I don't get help for this, and I'm not really sure why.
I think I don't want to tell my mom what's going on because we really don't have the money to help me.
And if we did, she'd probably make me go see somebody, and I really don't want to.
Plus, the biggest reason;
It'll hurt her.
I don't want to see my mom cry because of me.
The last time she did that was when I stupidly told her about my sudden 20 pound weight drop a few months ago.
She went from smiling to crying in like.. 2 seconds.
It was scary and I do NOT want to do that to her again.




Fuck I really gotta go to sleep, but I can't.
this X-files episode is messing with my mind.
Even though it's a work of fiction, it's really making me think.
What if the UFO I saw just a work of government?
What if it was all.. just fake.
God, I sound like a fucking psycho... please tell me no one's gonna read this.
why can't any of my friends have seen a UFO too? No one can really help me, or fully and truly understand me unless they've seen one.
They can lie and say then understand, but they fucking don't.
No one will understand what it does to your fucking mind.
Holy shit i'm scared right now. I can't stop looking up all these things about UFO's and aliens.
I've been thinking,
in the episode this man tells the main male character that all of the thousands of UFO sightings throughout the world were just staged, and fake (I assume he meant from the 20's up.)
So I thought, what about the sightings before America was established? before they possibly could be needed for the use of their technology.
I found some really interesting stuff. But then again, you aren't really sure what you can trust, because what if all that's fake?
It may sounds crazy, but you gotta suspect everything.
Everything.
In a way it kinda makes sense that the UFO sightings from the 20's up would be fake because how in the world could everything be open? Don't you think if they had all this technology, they'd be able to operate without fault?
Now i'm kinda thinking this,
What if aliens had all the info they need back then? And the government was just keeping the phenomenon going just for scare tactics? To keep the men and women and children of this country from doing anything crazy without the fear of being caught and prosecuted.
Holy fuck, this is complicated. And this is just only running off one theory. What if all those UFO sightings, and mine as well, were real?
Fuck.
The Truth Is Out There everyone.

My Horrible Night.

Last night was fucking terrible.
The whole night.
I've never wanted to die more in my life.
I was the most suicidal last night then I've ever been in my whole life, it was so scary.
I almost felt exactly like I did in that nightmare the other day.




I'm still scared. Why can't you come over and keep me company? :(

My Hopelessness.

I was kinda sorta happy a minute ago, then I..
I'll just say I think everything is hopeless now. Nothing is seeming to get any better, I can't stop blaming myself for everything, I can't stop realizing that everything I once thought was someone Else's fault was actually mine.
I have a few people tell me "Oh things will get better."
... When is it going to get better?
Has it gotten better in the past month? No.
Has it gotten even the SLIGHTEST bit better in the past month? No.
Do I think it'll get better? The way things are going, No.
I wish I never promised anybody i'd never cut again, because that sounds good about now.
I wish that if I did it again I wouldn't be breaking any promises and I wouldn't be hurting someone else.







I kinda get mad when people say "I wish the old me would comeback."
There is no such thing as the 'old you.' There was just the memory's and happiness that happened during that time, and that you are the same person still, except everything around you is completely different.
That's why I say, I wish I could go back in time and re-live the defining moments of my life.
8th Grade. Fuck you. Fuck you, and everyone who caused it to be terrible. Fuck you to everyone who hurt me that year that still continues to hurt me, with no rhyme or reason to it.
Fuck you all.

My Pure Hatred.

You gave me my hat back, and I didn't even look at you, didn't say anything and barely acknowledged you were there.
I don't know why you said thank you, I was a waste of your time. You should be Thanking me for being out of your life.
Fuck this.

My Silly Needs.

I would kill for someone to cuddle with me on the couch in my room right now.
I wish I could hold her and tell her silly stories and watch tv.
Now I want to cry thinking about this.
:(
Gah, I hate this. And my life.
Fun.

My OCD.

I seriously just spent like half an hour renaming every post on here to have "My ___" For a title instead of the original titles.
what evs, I like it better this way.

My Hate.

I seriously just want to go on some peoples wall and just put,
'I FUCKING HATE YOU.' over and over and over again.
I'm sick of everything. I'm sick of what's happening to me, but there's absolutely fucking nothing I can do about it.
So many fucking things I want to say here, but I can't.
I'll basically just say, I want love.
Not this fucking bullshit.
Not lies, and everything else.
Screw you.

My Nightmare.

I had a nightmare yesterday.
It was one of the scariest I've had in a while.
I can't remember so much, but I'll write what I remember;
I think I remember talking to people, but I'm not sure.
All I really remember is that in my dream I was extremely suicidal.
Like, I knew my death was coming.
I knew if my dream wasn't to end I would have committed suicide in it.
I have no idea what the fuck this means.
I'm getting so scared.
I'm so terrified that I'm going to do something bad to myself.
I'm so terrified that being alone and best friendless is taking it's toll on me.
I feel if I am alone for much longer something terrible is gonna happen.
...






Help me :'(

My Inability To Do Anything.

Gah.
I feel like crying and I can't even write it here.
I just know.. I can't do anything.
Even if..
:'c

My 11th Day Of Separation.

If I remember right, this is the 11th day now that I've given up talking to people first.
It quite sucks, but I can't stop.
I wish a few certain people would talk to me, but there's not much I can do about it =\
I'ma just sit here now.
Another fucking day wasted.

My Walk In Hell.

The last few weeks have fucking sucked.
Plain and simple.
I haven't fucking done any of things I used to normally do in forever.
I just tried singing and tried to get back into it, but I failed so bad, I feel like fucking crying.
I seriously hate like 99.99% of people right now...
just..
GAH. FUCK 99.99% OF YOU. I'M SO FUCKING DONE. AIEUGBUIGBIEURGURGEHATHJ.
>:'C

My Crash.

I just realized that over the day I get slightly sadder and sadder until it's really late at night when my sadness is at it's highest.
I hate that. I love the night. It's my favorite part of the day, and it's when I think best.
I wish I had somebody who would stay up real late with me and have an thoughtful conversation with me.
I want too much.

My Depression 2.

http://depressedtest.com/
Major Depression: Extremely High
Dysthymia: High-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder: Slight-Moderate
Cyclothymia: Moderate
Seasonal Affective Disorder: Moderate
Postpartum Depression: N/A

I didn't lie this time when I did it.
This shit makes me want to cry.

My Loneliness.

I've never been so lonely in my life.
I want to cry so bad.
I have no one.
No best friends to talk to.
No significant other to spend my time towards.
I just have... Nothing.
I don't even know anymore.
I know if I have someone, they'll leave.
They all do.
No one can stand to stay with me, and I understand why.
I'm crazy and annoying.
I wish they wouldn't leave..

My Nothingness.

I'm going nowhere.
School, I have no idea what I'm doing.
Socially, I have no life.
Music wise, I can't do fucking shit.
I fucking hate this.
I hate myself.
How fun.

My Finding.

"Suicide is the strongest display of courage.

Every form of life on earth, lives for the sole purpose of surviving. Survival is what makes up life, it is everything. Death is the one thing that all life fears most. No one knows what’s after it, and the thought of eternal nonexistence is pretty intimidating. Death is without a doubt the most frightening thing known to man.

To have the courage to kill yourself, is to stand against the very fabric of your instincts. It literally goes against nature to want to die. Think about it, how much courage do you need to end your existence? To purposely end all forms of happiness and comfort, to end everything you ever knew, never to feel ever again. For those who think suicide is a coward’s way out, are just ignorant, because nothing requires more courage than to take your own life."

wow.

My Seclusion.

Scratch that,

I just wish anybody who I used to talk to before I started to seclude myself would talk to me again.
Please? :(

My Want.

I wish certain people would talk to me

:cc

My Depression.

(http://www.depressedtest.com/)

Major Depression: Very High

Dysthymia: Moderate

Bipolar Disorder: Slight-Moderate

Cyclothymia: Moderate

Seasonal Affective Disorder: Slight

Postpartum Depression: N/A

Don't really know what to say to those results...

My Apocalypse.

I've been avoiding this blog like it has a fucking plague.
Actually, I've been avoiding a lot of things.
I'm not 100% sure why I avoided this thing though.
Maybe because I don't want people to know how I'm doing at the moment.
Maybe in the future when I read over my post again, I don't want to see how unbelievably angry I was.
If it hasn't been obvious to everybody by my tumblr posts, I've been extremely fucking angry lately.

Looking now, I kinda see that I haven't lived my life for myself in almost a year. I've been basically living my life for someone else.
So, I decided to start living my life for myself.
I'm still avoiding people though.
At the moment, I don't want to see too many people. I kinda just want to be by myself for a bit.
Maybe separating myself from people will actually do something good.

My Blankness.

I'm done starting conversations.
You wanna talk to me, go ahead.
I have no best friends anymore and I am beginning to feel like I have no friends either.
This will prove I basically have no friends, since nobody's going to talk to me.
Minus the possible two people who read this who might say Hi, but whatever.

My Death Inside.

I'm done

My Disappearing Happiness.

Just like that,

And now my happiness is gone.
Replaced with pain and slight sadness.
I guess all things have to come to a end.
It was a good run.
Those last few days.
But all things must end.
Especially good feelings like this.
I kinda want to roll over and cry.
Mer.
At least this weekend solved something that had been bugging me for a few months.
So at least I can be generally a little bit more happy.
:(

My Downtown Experience.

Although after monday, I don't plan on going downtown for a while, i'm still glad I went there the past two days.
It's helped me get over my extreme stress, and it's gotten me out of my Music slump.
I've written of bunch of lyrics, and have written half a song on guitar.
For a demo name of it, I call it "Lamb song" since it was mainly inspired by lamb of god.
So now, I have,
'Saseculum of cluny' (no one will understand why it's titled that)
'song demo 2'
'lamb song'
and I have a shit ton of random riffs and little things I need to expand and experiment with before it's any good.

this is like the 3rd day in a row i've been pretty damn happy.
I seriously have never been this damn happy, for this long.
It's amazing.

My Idiocracy.

Her smile made my week.

The smile on Paiges face when I gave her my favorite hat for her birthday made my crappy week all go away.
It made sitting through all friday kinda sick worth it.
And I'd go through it all again just to see her smile again.
I hope she loves my hat.
I think she looks just absolutely beautiful in it and I hope to see her wear it bunches. CCCCCCCC:

My Nothing.

I've been laying down for 99% of today.
I hate today. So fucking much.
Only one good thing has happened to me today. And that's it.
Besides spending most of the day laying down, I've also been freaking out as well.
Nothing better than freaking out, being paranoid whilst laying down and having no one to talk to.
Even now that there's people online, I can't fucking talk to anyone.
I'm tired of telling people how I really am feeling. All they do is worry about me, when they really shouldn't because they have a billion otter things they should be worrying about instead.
I don't like being in this room right now.
The only light source has been this one candle, and every once in a while, somebody will peek in the room to get something or make sure I'm up/alive.
I hate this day.
Why can't it be over.
I wanna cry.
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay, and I haven't been in a long time.
Wntidihrbxkosjxucjebrkwowoxbehroibwkspcibd.

My Hate.

I hate realizing that I'm basically done progressing on the guitar.
I haven't gotten any better at the guitar in the past few months.
Actually, I think I'm kinda getting worse..
It's not even a self-confidence thing, I honestly do believe I'm slowly getting worse at playing it.
Makes me even wonder if I was any good at it to begin with.

My Question.

Are we ever too young to be in love?

One of those spam accounts on formspring asked me this and I couldn't think of a short answer for it.
I think that up to a point one can be too young and naive about the thought of love.
Afterwords, who knows.
Some will argue that one can not truly love someone till after they've been together for years, but I myself do not believe that.
I think that love works in a level sort of way.
There are different levels of love.
Meaning, the higher the level, the more you love someone.
Meaning technically one can love someone more than the other person, but I don't like to think that way.
I like to think when you are in a equal and loving relationship, you both love one another the same amount. No more, no less.
Unless you are in a unequal relationship, where one cares more than the other, then I guess one can love the other more.

My Lost Hope.

I really hope, Fallout: New Vegas doesn't take over my life.
I've already made an agreement in my head that the only time I'm leaving the house is to see Paige and when I have to leave the house.
I just hope that this doesn't go on for too too long.
just till after I beat and then some.
Also, it's amazing how her saying 3 words can completely change the course of my day.
I love you, Paige <3

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

My Fear.

I'm afraid of myself.
I'm afraid that in the future if I ever have kids it'll go really wrong.
Like, they'll inherit all the wrong things about me.
They'll have the same emotional problems as me.
They'll all be really messed up emotion wise.
They'll be happy and smiley one second and then the other extremely down and sad the next.
If I ever have kids, I don't want them to have to live the way I do.
I don't want them to ever have to experience the same things I did.
I want them to be able to be happy and to STAY happy, all by themselves.
Fuck, i'm scared of everything.

My Need For Contact.

:(

I understand why you aren't talking to me, but I would enjoy it if you would talk to me at least..
:(

My ... Interesting Day.

Today (Er well, yesterday) was interesting.
I had Paige over today which was fun and i'm glad I got to see her.
It kinda sucked that my body is really fucked up though, after a little bit my body started to overheat and I felt really sick.
After a while I figured out if I talk and keep my mind off it, I begin to cool down.
So after a while I felt better and for the last 20 minutes we got to chat and had an really interesting/hilarious conversation.
I'm sure I'll write about it on tumblr later hahahah.
I really hope I get to see her soon (after she gets back) because I love when she's over and we talk about absolutely silly shit.
Like shit I don't really talk about with anybody else, but I'll talk about it with her and there's no awkwardness to it.
I fucking love it.
She's so amazing to talk to, she keeps an amazing conversation.
And I'm so glad she understands the shit I say, because sometimes when I talk it seems like, "wjdihwbdkxihebdi" and she understands it exactly xD
I love that girl. I hope she stays with me for a whillllle because shes godamn amazing. CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC:
She puts me in such a good mood when she's around :DDDDDD
Or when she's just online and talking to me, both make me so fucking happy.
She's so... Can't even think of a good enough word.
Just.. Fucking amazing :DDD
I wish she could be with me right now, at night I have so much random philosophical shit and just random shit I'd love to talk to you about.
Sometimes, being a night person sucks.
I'm gonna sleep.
Damn I love her 8DDDD
Night!

My Terrible Day Getting Slightly Better.

Thank fucking gosh.
I can finally let that go.
At least that's one good thing about today.

My Fucking Hate For Myself.

I'm such a cunt, I'm such a cunt, I'm such a cunt, I'm such a cunt, I'm such a cunt, I'm such a cunt, I'm such a cunt, I'm such a cunt.
I want to punch myself in the face.
So much fucking work to do and I can't focus on it because i'm a fucking idiot who worrys about every possible fucking thing till I get physically sick.
Why the fuck can't I be normal? This is ridiculous.
Why the hell do you get to be normal, and I don't?
This is the kinda stuff that proves i'm a really weak person, no matter how much anybody I talk to denies it.
I'm such a demanding person, it's quite annoying, and ridiuclous.
I don't see how ANYONE can stand me.
I complaign a lot, i'm unreliable, my mood changes on the dime so my friends don't even know what to expect from me, when I get into bad moods I annoy everyone and it's extremely hard to get me out of them.
I wish I could be more normal for Paige's sake. I'm sorry to everyone who puts up with me, you deserve a less crazy friend.

My Zen.

I really wish it was still 1 am so I could watch more Zen of screaming 2.
I watched 3/4 of it and just wow.
It just really makes you think about music with screaming.
You notice tons of things you didn't before.
Just, wow.
And in a way even if I haven't practiced a shit ton yet, it gives me more confidence.
Strange.
Night night.

My Slightly Good Day.

Today was a really nice day, despite falling asleep super later than usual.
Twas 2 months today, so I had a nice time hanging with Paige in the morning cuddlin, like we usually do :3
After words first block wasn't so bad unlike usual, because I actually had my homework done this time around, so it sucked less.
It was like any other normal day in there, just minus a little bit of the suckiness.
The cool part of my day was second,
since I have to go to the lunch room because of the Juniors testing, I get to be with a bunch of my buddys.
Then I found more buddys and had lovely chats with them all, then we decided to bring in candyland so we can have more fun! :DDD
Then 3rd was the usual awesomeness that it is, and 4th was actually really awesome, instead of just regular kinda cool.
I hung out with my usual Junior buddy and this freshman kid who usually doesn't like the junior so much. hahaha.
then it was nice to see Paige again and cuddle and what not :33
There wasn't really a downside at all today. er well yesterday, and i'm super glad.
it's a change from the usual where something ruins my day since saturday.
I wish my aunts wedding could be during the week though, not the weekend. I would love to possibly see Paiges cute face sometime this weekend, but I dunno.
Holy batballs batman, it's 3:01
Should probably sleep.
...
Meh.
Might as well.

My Story.

2 months ago I sucked in my fears, grew a pair and asked Paige out who obviously said yes C:
You should have seen me, I asked her as I was talking to my buddy Kyle and I was freaking out.
I was like, dude kyle she's gonna say no, I just know it :C
I said that a few times because I was freaking out thinking she would say no.
Then when she said yes I don't think I've ever had a bigger smile on my face than that very moment.
It was like -> :D but on steroids.
Major steroids.
Part of the reason I miss summer so much is that I used to send her cute little messages before I went to bed and I wouldn't get out of bed till she responded hahaha.
Silly, but it made me extremely happy and she loved it as well from what I could tell.
I miss that, but sooner or later it'll be back c:
In a way I am almost content with where my life is going.
Obviously there's just a few things I want to change.
Like,
Me to be more serious about school
(probably won't happen)
Me being less lazy
(again, most likely won't happen)
For me and Olivia to be able to speak to each other without it being super awkward
(Once again, probably won't happen. -shrug-)
For me to be healthy
( xDDDDDD not gonna happen)
Gah. Should sleep now.
I need the weekend now.
I want to possibly see Paige again and I need to borrow my moms laptop again so I can continue leaching screaming.

My False Happiness.

It still amazes me that you're mine, I hope you know that.
Every time I see you and you are happy to see me, it makes me beyond happy.
Every time we talk and you are willing to listen and to share things with me it makes me beyond happy.
Every time we hang out together and kiss it's so awesome and magical and awesome feeling and stuffs. It still makes me wonder if all of this is real C:
Just knowing at the end of the day when I lay down to go to sleep that you are with me and love me makes me beyond happy.
I really shouldn't worry so much about losing you because we are so good together it won't happen.
I really need to remember that the next time I freak out.
The only thing I need to worry about is calming down my craziness so you won't have to deal with it so much/at all.
Gah, I hope you stick along with me for a while because Cuteface, I'd love it.
Paige, I love you.
Happy almost 2 months. (Yes I do have another silly wall post planned, you'll love it. I hope <3)

My Bad Day.

Today was a really bad day, as was yesterday.
Saturday morning (I say morning because I fell asleep pretty late) I had a terrible nightmare about Paige leaving me, and when I woke up at 2 I was extremely freaked out thinking it was real, so I laid in bed for 2 hours before I calmed down just a little to try and talk to her.
I finally did and everything was okay, but the damn dream still bothered me.
I didn't get to talk to her all too much that day which was okay because I understood she needed rest but I still felt bad.
Which leads today which wasn't really the best either. The dream was still bugging me. And for some reason as I was talking to her I just started to get really scared about everything.
It stayed like that till out of nowhere sometime at 8pm something in my mind switched and I felt a lot better.
I kept apologizing to her all day because I'm really sorry I make her go through my craziness like that. She shouldn't have to go through that. I shouldn't be this way.
What's wrong with me?
If I think hard enough can I figure out what's wrong with me?
Can anybody find out why?
Self inflicted? Beyond my control?
Fuck, who knows.
What ever it is, I apologize to anyone who has to out up with it.
I seriously do wonder how my friends put up with me sometimes. In my head I'm extremely annoying and arrogant and just plain stupid.
Plus you never know what mood I'll be in.
How can anyone like me?
Just don't get it to be honest.

My Non-Normalness.

I'm seriously considering cutting again.
I'm so fucking dumb.
I fucking hate myself.
Why the fuck can't I be normal?
Fuck myself.
I hate you.
Gah, I hate myself and my craziness.
I wanna be normal again.
:(

My Need To Cry.

For some reason,

I just want to cry right now.
I have no clue why.

My Extreme Stupidness.

I'm actually so scared of Paige leaving me, I have nightmares about it.
I actually just had one.
I feel like crying :c

My Learning.

At the second, I have an obsession with learning how to do screaming vocals the right way.
I hope to god that this obsessions last long enough for me to actually learn it right.

My Fucking Shit Week.

I really should sleep but I feel the need to write something even though I don't really know what to wrote at the second.
No matter what I do, this week has sucked.
I've tried lots of things, but none have worked and so far, this week has just sucked. I give up on trying to make it better and I'm just going to focus on making it through the week instead.
I'm trying to remember why Monday sucked but I can't really
Oh wait, never mind I remember, I stayed home sick that day.
On Sunday I didn't eat because I was stupid, I threw up, slept like all of sunday then woke up and stayed up till 7:00am the next day. There was no way in hell I was gonna be able to make it to school. If I did, I would pass out like every 5 seconds and I'd probably get sick and go home. So I stayed home because I seriously felt like a alien baby was about to explode from my stomach. Bleh.
Then Tuesday..
What the fuck was wrong with Tuesday?
OH, I remember.
I woke up at 6:30 and my brother was walking over to try and wake me up and I told him I was already awake and then he decided to never bother to even see if I got up, so I ended up waking up right as he was leaving so all I muttered to him was "thanks for bothering to check if I was up."
I ended up missing the bus and riding to school with my neighbor Jhon.
I was super mad at first, then when I got to school I just got sad because I found out when I miss one of my chances to see Paige, I get very upset. So all day I barely talked to anyone and if I did, I had to.
Today; er well, yesterday was the only day that didn't start out terrible. I made it to the bus okay, talked to people and then I was okay.
Till the end of first block,
I left class like, 10 seconds, or 15 seconds later than I usually do so I could turn my iPod on and what not.
I know that Olivia has a class near mine, I've seen her a few times after first block so I put it together she has a class a few from mine and usually I leave class a little late so I don't accidentally bump into her and have a small awkward conversation with her because I know it'll be mega awkward for both of us and plus it would probably hurt me and I'm not sure about her, but it might. -shrug-
And today was the only day so far that I've forgotten about that and just left class with my usual, 'I wish this day would end' attitude and I totally forgot everything, till I bumped into her.

This was the first time since...
..
Fuck, I don't even know. I don't even remember the last time I spoke to her.
Anyways, I bumped into her, looked at her, then kinda turned away because I was like, '..and here rolls in the pain'
I wasn't going to say anything till she said hi and then some random (I'll refrain from using stupid) freshman thought it was a great idea to try and cross the hall when I was like half across the hall so she nearly like head butted me so the conversation was something like,
"hi"
*awkward pause/near headbutt*
(don't remember if I said hi, or went straight to,)
"I almost just got head butted.."
"why?"
"I don't know..."
*awkward silence*
then she walked away and that was it.
I know what you're probably thinking,
Dude she said like 2 things to you, calm the fuck down.
Or,
hy would you purposely avoid her? you dick.

Well,
1. My brain is very different from yours, and even a small conversation like that can make me think of the worst things I've ever done and still hate myself for.
2. I do that because,
A. It hurts me to see her so I try not to.
B. I don't know if it hurts her to see me, so I try not to see her
C. I don't like short awkward conversations with people I used to be best friends with.
It's hard because she was my best friend for like, 8 months, 7 months, one of those two, so Its hard to completely remove them from your life then throw them back in.
It's not easy.
One moment they mean everything to you, and then the next you lay in ruins wondering what the hell just happened and you wonder where your best friend went.
In a way, I've felt best friendless for a bit.
I used to always have someone who didn't mind listening to me talk about stupid things for hours but all of those friends have changed.
No names will be said.
I'm really glad I had always been a friend with Paige, even if we didn't speak much before.
I used to like her in 7th grade, even if sometimes she didn't really notice me at all, but I was fine with that.
The last week and half of 7th we had become kinda close as friends and I really wanted to ask her out, but me being a stupid, shy, and really nervous 7th grader I chickened out.
Then in 8th I never got a chance to speak with her which sucked but if any of you know me, you would know I had many other things to worry about that year.
Then in 9th me and her talked a little bit.
It took me pretty much 2 years to finally get over past crap to try and talk to her again, even if it wasn't that much and not very often.
I don't know if I've posted this anywhere, I might have, so I guess this will either be a repeat of what I said or brand new.
When Olivia left for Phillips I obviously was sad.
After a week, maybe half a week I begin to feel ignored.
Me being ignored turn to sadness which turned to intentional starvation which turned into sickness which turned into multiple nightmares each night which lead to me being terrified of sleeping.
During that time, so people turned on me and some people I desperately needed to talk to, were not there.
But Paige had always offered to help me no matter what, so I turned to her for help.
She became a good buddy of mine quickly and I had begun to calm down a little bit thanks to her help and to Katie's help. (She was the one who got me to eat again.)
Gah, so tired, I think I'll wrap up this .. What ever the fuck you want to call it when I get home tomorrow.
I'll probably edit the shit out of this when I get home.
Spelling mistakes, obvious errors, things I shouldn't have said.

My Awkward Moment.

Well that was awkward...

My Weird Moment.

I found out that when I miss the bus in the morning it causes me to ignore everybody till school is over and I can see Paige again.
Which is why I was the way I was today =/

My Weakness.

I am such a weak person.
Emoitionally, mentally, physically.
I'm scared 24/7 that I'll lose her and it scares me so much.
I'm afraid I'll become so clingy she'll begin to find me annoying
or she'll begin to hate everything I say
or she'll hate the weird quirks I have.
I'm just so afraid of losing her because in my head I'm not good enough.
I'm such a weak person I need someone to hold my hand, help me forgive and forget past things and help me through the day, and Paige has been the one helping me,
And I love her for it. I really hope she doesn't ever leave me, I couldn't stand to lose her.
God I love that girl, I really hope she chooses to stay with me despite my annoyingness.
I would cry if there wasn't people around because now i'm freaking out
Fuck :c

My Strangeness.

I didn't sleep and now I feel like vomiting everywhere.
I just wanted to go to school to cuddle with Paige on the bus, have fun with my English buddies then wish for 4th block to end so I can cuddle with Paige more but instead I'm gonna lay here trying to not get sick whilst getting yelt at by my parents.
I'm so fucking stupid.

My Fuckup.

Gah, I had such a nice day with paige, but I had to fuck it up at the end by throwing up from neglecting eating. Then I passed out, had nightmares and woke up to feeling like shit and wanting to cry because I missed paige so much.
:C

My Hate For Doing Anything That Won't Let Me Be Lazy.

Fuck mowing the lawn. I don't want to do it.

My First Post.

What do you mean,
I don't believe in god?



Talk to him everyday. *