In the realms of the Never Dead.

You want to know why I think so highly of myself?
Because I used to let everyone tell me that I couldn't be happy. I used to convince myself that I could never be happy.
Now that I realize that's wrong I'm never going back to that.
I'd rather everyone think that I'm full of myself before I let myself become swallowed in self pity.

Beware they hold the darkest discipline.

The world is a beast that never stops changing. Things that seem important never really are.
Seeing the world this way makes things easier for me.
And for this I have to decided to try and be more artistic. I don't know how the two relate but I am.
I'm going to try and do paintings today and then later I'm gonna try to make a style of music that I've never made before.
It's going to be fun, and a good learning experience.
This post has been nice, and for some reason it seems.. Healthy. I like this.

Constantly scheming to keep us at bay.

Got my friend back. Yes.

Scraped knees and elbow cuts.

I feel so alone. I haven't talked to anyone at all really in a few days and it's kinda getting to me. I also have had trouble writing since I don't feel like I have an audience to write to anymore.
At first I hated the feeling that I was writing this not for myself and now I'm having a hard time just writing for myself.
Sometimes I wonder why we can't be friends but then I remember it's because of me.
No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
Damnit. No.
No.
If I wasn't the way I was then we would be friends. But, I guess if you can't understand that then I guess this is for the better. No matter how much it bothers me. If only it didn't matter. This would all be so much easier. Everything would great. I have to let that go. If not for myself, at least you. God, I'm writing this like you'll actually ever fucking read this. Ha. Imagine me sending this to you? I don't know how many times I've hinted to you about this place, I had always wanted you to find it. Now I see that would have been a bad idea. Then why do I still write about you? Do I force myself to? Do I really still have some feelings for you?
I have written page after page about you, it has gotten me nowhere. If only talking to yourself solved anything, I'd be the fucking perfect human being.
This entire blog just makes me seem crazy. How many more times am I going to write about you?
Guess it's impossible to resolve anything when I happen to see you every single day.
Damnit this isn't getting me anywhere. I'm just going to go to bed and try to fix whatever shit grades I can at school.

Redemption purify.

It has been a while since I haven't been confused about my feelings with someone and it's been a while since no one has had confused feelings about me. I enjoy having this clean finish to the year. Sure, it's a little saddening not liking anyone and not having anyone like me but it's kinda nice. I haven't been in the mood for any relationships or any feelings of love and that in a while, i've been too busy trying to keep myself happy and doing my school work. The last person I had confused feelings about is now finally going towards someone really nice, which makes me quite happy. The last person that had confused feelings about me is now probably angry at me and probably avoiding speaking to me, which is okay. I understand, I wasn't a very good boyfriend. Getting close to me during the early winter months is a huge no-no. And well, we didn't have a whole lot in common. So yes, i'm back to square one of being alone. I really want to date someone that's 18, though. I want someone that has the freedom to leave when they want to come see me. I noticed that with Paige one of the greatest things about the relationship was that she was so close and able to come get me, a lot. I need a lot in common, and for the person to be able to see me a lot. Again, someone 18 and over would be nice. Too bad that won't happen. Well, I am off to bed. It feels good to be able to write for myself. The words that come out are much more genuine. Now i'm off.

Where's your crown, King Nothing?

Woke up at 7, stayed home, did nothing, got my friend back. That's it. Nothing else happened today.

You're living in a fantasy, that's how you cope.

Used up way too much brain power this week. I woke up on friday morning hoping that today wouldn't require too much thinking. Walked into guitar and turns out I had to do this one playing test that I did not know was that day so I wasted all the available brain power and more that I had left and nearly started to cry right there. I then had to do another play test that I could do in my sleep but my partner I had in it was complete shit so i'm fairly certain I got a shit grade on something I seriously could do in my sleep. The only nice part of the rest of that day was when I told my social studies/advisory teacher what happened and he told me a nice story then told me to take a guitar and just play whatever the hell came to me for 30 minutes. Of course my study hall teacher only gave me 15 minutes to just go play but it's okay. I then did a poster which took the rest of the time. Still ended up feeling like shit that whole day, and then the next day still felt about the same. And now today I woke up at 3pm and again, still the same. I wish it was way later than 6 because I really just want to hurry and go to school already. Can't stand being up in the dark for very long. I really need to get out this winter. I'm gonna make this winter awesome.

Feeding blood junkie habits of the elephant man.

Been using so much energy the last few days just trying to think and write that i'm really not sure what to say. Had this open for at least an hour now and still got nothing besides that in my mind i've got nothing let to say.

Burn the obedient.

So now my brother has been gone for two days. He ran away two days ago. We know who he's staying with but it's still weird not having him here. I stayed home today. Not completely sure why. I just didn't want to get up. Maybe it's because i've been staying up till 3+ am all week and all vacation but I also just didn't want to go. Usually when I stay home I wake up at 11 or 12 and I usually have dreams of waking up at 3 so when I get up at 12 it's a relief. This time I really did wake up at 3 and I dunno, today was just uneventful. I think i'm getting better because despite staying in all day and not having much social interaction I didn't start to become scared of myself. It was either the large amounts of How I Met Your Mother or the fact that it almost (and now is) December and that's usually when I start to get used to it and feel better at night. I hope so. Can't take much more of this "I get terrified of myself at night" because it is just terrible. Yesterday was weird because I couldn't quite comprehend what I was feeling that day. I just had no emotion. Today was weird. I cleaned all the dishes and then helped my dad make food (I even picked what we were going to eat) and then while I was helping him I looked over and saw a box of pumpkin bread mix and decided to make it. Three things I rarely do; help with dinner, bake something/cook something for others, and clean the dishes. I do those things rarely, and sometimes only when i'm told. (Happens maybe 3-7 times a year. The food that is, and baking. Dishes I get yelled at to do a bunch a year. I never do them on my own.) I also can't tell if I did that so I wouldn't think about being home all day or it's because my brother still isn't home. Maybe it was a bit of both. Yesterday when he wasn't here I told one person about it and I told them that it didn't really worry me, since I knew where he was but maybe it is affecting me. I mean, I did dishes, and helped with dinner and whatnot. Haven't written since... I had this cool ink pen that I used in school to write in the journal my friend made me. I can't really figure the difference between the content on here and my journal but it seems different. When I write more i'll be able to tell. It's probably that here I know a few people who read it and there I still write like someone is reading it but I know no-one is. I'm still controlling of what I write there too, but a little less than here. I think the difference is that, those are my day thoughts and these are my night thoughts. The difference is really interesting to me. Scratch that to a point, re-reading my journal i'm more honest and name oriented there and I get deeper with things. And I write a lot of "I hopes" in there. I'm further noticing as well, that I actually remember a lot more about the days I wrote that stuff in. I remember sitting in the old puppetry room with my friends and feeling like it was the 2010-2011 school year again. I remember my excitement when I got to use a ink pen. I had always wanted to use one. Never have I realized how beautiful it is to remember things.

In the purge of heavens law.

It just hit me, it was worth risking our friendship to see if this time it'd work. You know why? Because a lot of good things came from it. A lot of nice memories. Does it matter than in the end you ended it? No. I do not regret risking our friendship for that time we had together. I'd do it again and again. I love you, and it was worth it. The more things I realize, the easier it is to let this all go and move on. I'm going to be okay. Even if at the moment I miss you. One day this will all be okay and this pain will all be gone. And one day I will prove that you really don't know me that well.

Death has reared himself a throne.

I asked my friend for Christmas if she could make me a leather journal and she did and I received it today. Even before I got it I decided that it would be used for my personal personal thoughts. A place where I have no bias. (I know who a few of you are that read this so it's nice to have a place where I have no bias as to what I can or cannot say.) (Bias the right word i'm looking for here?) (Probably not.) And I decided that when the time comes I'll mark that it's a different month, like December, January etc etc and for the years as well. And with this I decided that I wanted a quote there and the first one that came up was the line from Edgar Allan Poe's "The City In The Sea" Lo! Death has reared himself a throne... Maybe one day i'll let you read this all. If I remember right, it's been 2 years since the first time you broke up with me. It should have stopped there, maybe then we'd still be friends. Maybe then car rides wouldn't be depressing and i'd be able to have a decent relationship and I would be able to trust people. This makes it sound like I blame you for this stuff, I actually believe a part of this is me as well. I force myself not to trust people, I tried too little at the appropriate times to try and save our friendship, and I still let my past feelings destroy everything. I'm trying now. I'm gonna try and trust you. This better not be a mistake.

Regurgitate The Past.

I just read through every post I've ever made.
I actually almost vomited at one point.
Man I miss being anxiety free.
The amount of blind hatred I had made me sad as well.
And the posts about Paige killed me slightly.
Well, way more than slightly.
My friend made me a leather journal and I will be receiving it today. I'm probably going to use it to write down my emotions.
So basically this, but without the prior knowledge of who reads it. (I know 3 of you who regularly read this. [You're probably the only ones who do, actually.] )
I'll probably end up transcribing them and posting it here as well.
I've spent a lot of today trying to do small things I used to do a year or two ago in hopes that it'd make me feel better and it didn't really work because I know sooner or later I'll have to deal with current problems.
Oh well.
3:17am, better leave.

A legend in his own mind, enthroned by lies.

I lost another friend. That's okay I guess. Cry about it and then move on. Didn't so my school work. That's okay. Get yelled at then move on. Don't want to hang out with anyone. That's okay. Ignore everyone and have them be mad at you. I do not like today. Today is a bad day. It's so hot and this fan is doing nothing to help lower the heat. I feel very sick. Why can't it be summer and sunny again. I can't handle this darkness anymore. This is the only time I ever hate being myself, and for that matter it's the only time I allow myself to hate myself. (Did that sentence even make sense?) Please stop all of this. Dear god I hate this so so much. I hate the darkness, please make it stop. Please please.

Burn Or Keep On Walking.

Sometimes I see your name on facebook chat and I wonder, what would it be like if I suddenly starting talking to you again? Then I realize that it'd probably be a bad idea, but that "what if?" is always there. Although, I also realize that if they started talking to me i'd have no idea what to say and would probably make some excuse to got offline. It's weird. I have closure on the whole thing but I feel like I don't, even if I do. Hm. One day, all this will be solved.

The Memories Cripple You.

Been doing really bad in school thanks to the shitty internet that we have around here. (Can't look things online, can't research stuff, can't email teachers. etc) Been really unhappy because my ex really wants me back whilst i'm struggling to get over feelings from someone else all of this happening while the amount of sun I get is affecting me as well. This is why I hate November and December so damn much. I can't take all this shit right now. Just like clock work, it's starting to get terrifying in my head.

Eh.

Can't even be bothered to write about what's going on. I just have so little motivation to.

Built To Fall.

Slightly wondering as to why I have this.
Was it because I needed a way to communicate to you without actually speaking to you?
Was it because I needed a place where I knew there was the slight chance that no one would actually read it?
Either way I don't really need it, but again I do.
I write down my feelings more in here then I tell anyone else.
I never tell anyone anything. I've only had two people that I've trusted enough to tell my feelings to. One of which does not speak to me anymore and with the other we're not that great of friends despite her saying something along the lines of "let's stay best friends."
Yeah, because that totally worked.
Not saying it's her fault that we're not really friends anymore but hell, I'm trying to become best friends with her again.
I dunno.
I'm just kinda tired this week.
The weather has really been effecting me, like I knew it would.
And last week and so far this week has been horrible, along side the weather making me feel worse.
First, it was the nightmares every night except Thursday night.
Then it was the horrible Saturday suicide scare, which lead to power outage. Which then lead to monday where there again was another suicide scare except this one was worse because my friend called me on the phone balling her eyes out and I immediately started to cry because i've never heard her cry and I thought he was dead so it was just.. Yeah.
The only "decent" day so far is today where it was really awkward and the 4 of us involved were split up most of the day. Really glad today passed without incident because I have no idea what o would have done if there was another scare... I'm just absolutely drained, and well I'm fairly certain we all are.
Oh, and despite my really positive attitude and mentality I've gained, nights are slowly becoming horrible again. Just like last November.
Which makes me scared of any upcoming vacation time. Every vacation I get insanely depressed and it's just really bad.
Oh god, I'm actually really scared of that... :(

Relapse Of Emotion.

This week is horrible.
Good days, horrible afternoons and nights.
I hate what has happened lately. What I've done, why I had to do what I did.
I hate that I'm becoming insanely full of myself.
I hate that I'm becoming so desperate for attention. What the hell happened?

A Look On The Other Side.

Why did I keep that picture.
I remember when I was going through my phone right when summer was ending, deleting everything that reminded me of you so I could move on and for some reason I couldn't get rid of that.
Just seeing the picture was just..
I miss you..
Fucking hell.

Which side to trust.

I'm very bi-polar with how I feel about this. Thankfully, I know which side to trust. Hopefully.

The Silence.

Why did I look through that.
Why.
I miss who you were.
Why did I let myself ruin our friendship.
I miss you.
Why oh why did ruin our friendship.
And now it's too late to fix.
I've tried.. It's done.

Dehumanized.

I drove by your old house last night and for some reason, I missed you. It was a really weird feeling. Damnit, i've had this open for 3 hours and that's all i've written. Guess i've been too busy with being all bummed out due to what tomorrow marks. :/ Oh well.

Blackened.

Something feels awfully wrong about today.
I've had this open for 15 minutes now just trying to think of something to write about but I can't really think of anything to say.
Man was last night really odd.
It's not everyday that your friend from California says she likes you a ton.
Oh well, i'm gonna go listen to more music.

The Dark Of Eden.

Last year I always thought of my school as so perfect and so far this year I've been seeing all the faults in it.
The more of myself I am, the more and more faults I see in it.
In my head I tell myself, "alright bring it down a few" but I always end up trying to be 100% myself anyways.
School is better than last year though. The last few months weren't as fun because my 3 main friends were in this weird anger triangle thing.
Now, I'm not really that good of friends with any of the 3.
Hell, I'm not good friends with anyone there.
I have acquaintances, but not good friends.
I'm not really good friends with anyone anymore.
The last of my good friends is now just an acquaintance and we don't talk much.
I miss my good friend.

When The Darkness Comes.

Today was not that lovely of a day.
Didn't want to talk to anyone/or be near anyone in general.
All I wanted to do was play guitar all day.
And then the one time I got to be alone and away from everyone to play guitar within 4 minutes a ton of people showed up which really bummed me out.
And the fact I can't really fully express who I am at school is still really pissing me off/bumming me out too.
Need to stop being negative and be positive again, I was on a really good streak of being positive for a while there.

Make your Descent Into Madness.

The more small and really stupid things I post on here, the more I remember to actually go on here and write more.
I've been doing well with coming here and writing stuff, although almost no one reads this.
Lately i've been sorta annoyed with school, even if I love it there.
It's beginning to seem that the more i'm myself there, the more trouble I get into.
Last year I wasn't completely myself and everything was better and now that i'm acting more like myself it's been... harder in a way.
And it's been harder to talk to people this last week, which is weird. I can't really talk to anyone constantly these last few days and I don't really know how to politely tell people that I don't want to talk to anyone because everytime I do they get mad.
































This will be the one and only place I post this but i've actually been wondering what it would be like if I transferred back to DHS. I obviously would never do it, but I am wondering.

Who I Am.

I thought I had this depression thing won, but I guess not.
Here I am in the dark, by the computer, another restless night.
Well, at least I haven't totally lost. I just deal with depression in a different way so it doesn't consume and affect everything I do.
I just hate the anxiety, it's ridiculous. If I could figure out a way to deal with it by myself that'd be amazing.
Too bad every-time I "fix" it, it comes right back.
Will I ever be right again?
I hate not having a best friend, i'm also incapable lately of trying to make someone my best friend.
Or, hell, even keeping friends.
It's just so damn hard. I can't handle having to talk to someone everyday to keep them as a friend when some days I just don't want to talk to anyone.
I feel so stupid. I can't talk to anyone everyday, yet I desire to have someone to talk to everyday.

Who We Were.

Thought we were about to friends again, looks like that's a no.
What the hell happened?

Who We Are.

Reading that last post again it makes it sound like I gave up trying to be friends, which I didn't. It's just not working.

Also, I kinda wish I would write in this more and that I had some of my old friends back.

Oh, and I'd like my anxiety to go away. It only came back when I was worrying about Paige and now it's back and I don't know why it stayed this time.

Plus if my fear of sexual relations would go away, that'd be lovely too. I'm absolutely SICK of the anxiety from that.

Remember Who You Are.

We're not even friends anymore. The only time we even "talk" is in the morning when we drive to school and if we see each other else where we say hi and that's it.
Hell, I wanted to be friends but that's not working.
We're not friends anymore, even if you say you still wanted to be.

Gridlock.

The only good thing to come out of what has happened in the last week or so is that i've learned to love myself.
I feel like i've completely wasted so many years of my life just constantly hating on myself.
I don't see why I did anymore, i'm awesome.
I love everything about myself, even my flaws.
Never really understood the meaning "The best revenge is bettering yourself." until just recently.
It makes complete sense.
All these really strange meanings that i've spent many months thinking about are finally starting to make sense to me now, and it's amazing.
I'm starting to love life now, and everything about it. I'm seeing the good in people more than I used to.
I wish everyone could see this way... I wish everyone would realize that they're awesome, and beautiful.
Too bad they don't.

Why Can't I Win?

Just woke up from the most depressing nap and now I'm crying even harder.

I Can Never Win.

Sitting on my bed, crying my eyes out.

If these walls could talk, they'd tell a horror story.

"Do you miss Austin or something?

if you're referring to posts i've been making here or tumblr, then i'm sorry to say you are mistaken as to whom i am referring, for it is not austin. we broke up over a year ago, so what is this? i mean, sure, he's a great guy and i wish him all the luck in the world and i'm sorry i hurt him like i did, but i don't let it burden me anymore. we've gone our totally separate ways. we haven't talked in months, i have him blocked on facebook, and i think it's working quite well for us both.

you don't have to be anonymous. "

Okay at this point I told myself, as much as I hate what happened it's nice to have some sort of closure to the craziest chapter of my life. (Although it turns out she didn't block me on facebook since she was on my facebook feed this morning on another friends status.)
and then there was this;

"I'd prefer it, thank you though. Um, why do you have him blocked, if you don't mind my asking?

because he was unnecessary drama.

if it were any of your business, don't you think you'd already know? i would have told you. i'm not going into any details publicly, especially if i don't know who you are. "

I would debate as to how I'm not unnecessary drama, but that would be very immature.
I'm just gonna call it even and say the most confusing chapter of my life is closed.
It's nice to have closure.

Pathetic.

I've loved you for nearly 5 years now, why can't you be mine again?

A New Found... Confidence.

Don't want to write something super long since i'm really tired.
My friend completely owned me in a fit of rage.
Although I'm still kinda in shock since I had yet to see her angry till just now but she did say very valid points.
And plus, I'm getting really sick of being like, "Oh I suck" all the time.
Because honestly, I'm pretty awesome.
First time I've EVER said that but I am.
I may not be that easy on the eyes but hell, I make up for that in personality.
I'm going to kick this depression and having no self confidence thing like it's a bad fucking habit.

Drag The Waters.

Oh really? You're gonna tell me to stray away from her and then tell me that I didn't try hard enough with Tori?
Alright.
Oh, and fuck you too.

Ruin.

http://www.depressedtest.com

Major Depression: High
Dysthymia: Slight-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder: Very High
Cyclothymia: Extremely High
Seasonal Affective Disorder: High
Postpartum Depression: N/A





fuck.

This was the last time I did it,
"http://depressedtest.com/
Major Depression: Extremely High
Dysthymia: High-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder: Slight-Moderate
Cyclothymia: Moderate
Seasonal Affective Disorder: Moderate
Postpartum Depression: N/A"

Pariah.

I'm no better than Tyler.
I hate myself.
Yesterday was so nice.
Well, during the day part of it.
I'm sorry I still like you the way I do.
But there's nothing I can do about that.
I just wish..
Nevermind, there's no point in wishing about this since it's never going to come true.
I'm just gonna go spend the rest of the summer being depressed.

Cult.

You treated him basically the same way you treated me.
I don't understand you.

How can you do that to somebody?
It really hurts, the way you treated him.
It's hard to hear, because it's like I'm talking to myself from a year ago.
It's been a year, and I'm trying my best to move on.
I've stopped blaming myself for everything and for writing bad things about you to myself.
I'm moving on and you're still acting the same.
I took what happened between us and I used it to try and better myself. I took what went wrong and I'm making sure it never happens again. I'm never going to be in a emotionally abusive relationship again.
I've learned while you have tried to repeat what happened with him and that's not alright.
He's a human being that doesn't deserve to be treated that way.
I could careless if you only did it to me, but you did the same things twice.

And for that, I will eternally hate you.

Have to finish this year without failing,

Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing,Have to finish this year without failing

Nevermore.

I wish that I would have told you that I love you like two weeks ago because then I wouldn't have to feel this way.
If I would have told you then you would have rejected me already and I at least would be recovering from that right now rather than laying here being extremely sad about the whole thing.

Gah. I would describe my feelings on here but it's just pointless.
I love you, too bad you won't feel the same back ever again.

Eternal.

I hate today.
I really don't like this vacation.
Minus a few little things, this has been a terrible vacation.
Fuck being a wimp and a weakling.
I shouldn't even try anymore.

You're Eating My Mind.

I miss you so much. I really need to shut up about it but ugh. I hate this so much, this feels like last summer all over again and it's sickning. I need to stop being such a bitch. Shutting up would be a good thing to do right now, although I feel that pretty soon I am going to just explode and ruining everything even if there is nothing left to ruin.
Fuck this.

I Thought You Were Perfect.

I barely write in this anymore and I feel bad about it.
I feel for the two people who read this I'm letting them down so here we go, Ima try to write in this more.
I'm spending another weekend alone because no one wants to see me.
I want to go to the park that's down the street from my house but no one wants to go with me.
Fuck being alone.

I'm Going To Put Words Here, And You Can Read Them If You Want.

My throat hurts.
I'm tired.
I feel sick.
And damn do I miss you
I miss you a lot, but to be honest that doesn't really matter. Or at least that's what I tell everyone. I don't like to tell anybody anything anymore because to me everything I go through seems really stupid.
When ever I talk to any of my good friends at CATA or the remaning ones I have from the High school I don't tell them anythiing about my problems really. I mainly just ask what theres are.
Even on tumblr I don't really post a lot of my problems. I just keep everything to myself although from time to time I will actually tell my friends something but to be honest it's never the entire thing. Usually i'll just drop a hint or i'll give only a small part of it.
I guess I just really don't like telling people any of my problems because most of them are really stupid, sometimes it's just the same things over and over again and a lot of the time it's just really typical teenager shit so I keep it to myself since no one needs to hear the same thing for the billionth time in a row.
Man, I miss you.
I'm gonna go back to just sitting on tumblr.
fuck this.

100.

Fuck you anon. Fuck you and everything you stand for.
Why the hell did you ask so creepy? Why can't you just tell me who the hell you were?
fuck youu.
I wish that they would have just told me who they were. now i'm going to spend 5 billion hours trying to figure out who it was. And i'll probably never figure out who it was.
Fuck this shit.

A New Found Hatred.

I went to the park today. It was really lovely.










Today was alright, except obviously when I get really lonely at night but what ever. The music I'm making isn't so bad and I have two almost complete demo songs and I'll be working on those two tomorrow and I'll probably begin a new one tomorrow and probably day by day for a while add more until I have a few I enjoy and then I'll go from there.
The songs are really weird so far though.
Funky Paper House (demo title) is 3/4's metal and 1/4 rockish sounding and Park (demo title) is really strange. It's around 3/5 metal and 2/5 rockish sounding.
But the thing is I don't even want to say it's rockish but I can't really describe it.
Oh well.
These are just the first two. For all I know I could completely scrap these two ideas but again who knows.
I guess I'll see if they past the test of time.

Another Terrible Post.

I feel so stupid. I should just leave alone.
That's what I'ma do.
I'm just going to leave you alone.


Since that's out of the way I have other things to say to other people.


Dear You,
Do you see what you're doing? acting like you know everything?
You don't. You don't know shit.
I've had enough of you.
You've once again started all this shit and it's causing a lot of good people anger and frustration and sadness that don't need that shit.
How many times have you done this? 4? ..5?
I've always been there to help you.
Minus one time when you thought it was cool to go and smoke cigarettes and do pot to fit in even though you said you wouldn't. Yeah I'm still fucking angry about that. Hypocrite.
I'm basically done helping you.
I will tell you what's what one more time.
I swear if you don't listen to me this time, we're done as friends.
And I hope to god you don't say I'm not being a good friend because I will laugh in your fucking face.
Because I've been friends with you since 6th and I've helped you through everything and even became friends with you after the cigarets and pot you smoked.
I've been there. And you haven't been. And I'm done.
I'm a friend who's had quite his fair share of bullshit.
You have such a better set up then I do.
My parents don't give me money all the time, I don't have my own room, I don't have nice instruments like yours mine are all broken.
You have way more friends then I do and the friends we both have in common like you tons more so I refuse to put up with your bullshit any further.
Me and my friend TJ were talking about how much we give a fuck about people and how many we give and we said we give everybody we're friends 500 to start with and to be honest I have f left.
Just the pronunciation of the letter F.
I'm so tired.
So so tired of this.
I hope to god when I say this stuff to you, you will actually listen and follow my advice.
From, Me.

Again and again and again.

Again and again I like someone and they leave.
I can't even describe how many times it's happen but it's happened again.
It really sucks this time because I haven't told anyone about it.
I told one person some of it but not even that much. It's brought me down all week so far.
Her and the other girl.
I'm probably just bringing myself down but I just really don't like this.
Guess I just have to be careful about who I start to like. Which basically means no one.
I'll just go back to the way things were after Paige left me.
Just alone, and alive.










I think I'm just going to leave both of them alone. It's probably for the best anyways. I don't have much of an impact on either of them anyways.
Maybe they'll be happy I'm not there.
I wish that today was Friday but had my thursday classes. That'd be so good right now.
I need to write a song about this all. Maybe it'll help.
And by help, i mean maybe it'll be good to spread this hate and anger in song form so no one gets angry.



I hate being this way it's just. Bleh.
I'm just really tired of liking someone and then they just leave. Just .. What the fuck.





I wish I had a best friend so I wouldn't need a fucking blog.
I only started this thing because I don't have a best friend.
To hell with everyone.

you're wasting your time if you actually read this.

Hell.
That's how i'm going to start this post off. Hell.
I'm debating on whether to type a shit ton of crap that would just be me beating around the bush of my problems or to just say it.


Fuck it, i'm sad.
I've been sad since.. saturday night? I think.
When me and my ex talked. Also, because i'm so annoyed i'm going to be totally honest here,
Every time we talk, it either ends awkwardly and abruptly or she brings up something from the past and then the conversation gets strange and it always ends with one of us crying and the other angry.
I wish that after everything ended and I spent nearly a year being angry at you that we could have become just regular friends but no.
I guess that was destined never to happen.
Why was it that everytime we talked you would always bring up something from the past?
I really wish you would tell me but I guess it's too late. It's much too late.




Why the hell won't all of this end? It's been nearly a fucking year since we broke up and things are still awkward and terrible and i'm still messed up. I fucking quit. I'll never be the same.


Lets just forget about that for a moment. Where was I? Oh yeah, saturday night stuff.
Well after that happened I had an okay night. If you can even say it was okay.
But then all of sunday sucked too. Nothing happened at all during the day then I stayed up really late because i was hopeful of something that honestly I shouldn't have been. Nothing can happen so I should have just given up but I didn't.
Now it's monday, for some ungodly reason i didn't get up for school or anything.
the entire day, I waited.
and waited.
and waited.
and waited. but nothing. At this point I should have given up hope but I still didn't.
Then my dad came home. pissed off like usual.
went around the house angry, and yadda yadda yadda,
then, since i was sitting on the couch and he was a few feet from, he semi-walked towards me, pointed at me and said "If you miss another day I will pull you out of that school and put you back into that public school."
Call me a fag but I seriously almost cried instantly.
I don't think he understands how much that hurt.
I sat there for a minute, nearly crying until i sat up, picked my things off the couch and went to my brothers/semi my room and sat on the couch there.
Of course, 30ish minutes later my mom walks in and basically says the same fucking thing too.
I teared up even more. I had enough of hearing it from my dad I did NOT need to hear it from her too.
And that's the last i've talked to them since then.
I absolutely refuse to talk to them right now.
I hope they understand how bad that fucking hurt to hear. When i'm a father I will never ever do that to my kid.
Anyways,

now it's around 45 minutes after and then all my hope was just crushed. I don't want to get into detail but just.. ugh.

A lesson I learn time and time again is learn who to trust, which most of the time is no one.

Now we fast forward to now.
i went to school, then went to jakes because I really don't want to go home. I had a great day but of course it hit ten and I realized I was still hoping but I give up on that, or at least i'm trying. Not it's 2 am and i'm really sad and really alone and I feel betrayed. I also really have to pee but thats besides the point.
I'm such an idiot for hoping, this is my fault i'm like this. I was stupid for hoping something would happen when nothing would have or could have happened.
Now i'm going to go pee, get my headphones, listen to music and try not to cry till I fall asleep then get up and go to school and probably not go home for a while again.
I'm going to pretend to be semi-happy and semi-sad and not really tell anyone the whole story because I have no super close best friend. I don't have someone to tell everything too.
The closest person to me, I can't tell everything to.
I'm probably going to cry. I used to have so many best friends that i'd tell everything too. They're all gone.
I have no one to tell everything to, to get everything out to, to get advice from, nobody.
Yup, i'm probably going to cry.
That only makes me feel slightly pathetic. This is such bullshit.
I wish I could blame all my problems on you two but that'd be unfair.
One of you, I blame myself for, and the other iaengaoengoneogaeg.


I hate when I reach this state of mind. Where I think about suicide. I won't do it but I think about it a lot.
It's almost been a year since i've cut, and that's probably the only reason why I haven't done it. Just so I can say it's been a year on may 5th.




I just get sad when i see your name now. And when you talk to me my heart beats super fast.
but then I just get sad because nothing will ever happen.


Fuck this, i'm ending this post. no one reads this horrible shit anyways.

Fuck. This.

Today. Fucking. Sucks.
My mom and dad both threatened to send me back to public school if I miss one more day and I'm so stupid for believing anything would happen.
I knew nothing could happen but I still had hope but once again my hope is fucking gone.

Right now I just quit. I refuse to talk to my parents and I don't really wanna talk to anyone. I barely want to go to school. I just wanna cry. Fucking hell. Screw you all.
I'ma cry and go to sleep.

I Love You.

I love you two so fucking much you don't understand.
It hurts so much you're not mine.

I hate this so much.
Why can't you be mine?
I hate that people are making you sad and hurt.
Why won't people let you be?






I hate feeling this way. I just love you so. :'(

I Really Need To Write Music Today.

I need to finish my metal song on guitar.
I need to finish writing the lyrics to a new song
I need to avoid my dad so he won't yell at me for being late again.
I need to at least do something productive.
Talk to someone new, make something new, finish something that is old.
Finally get the albums I've been procrastinating to get on my iPod.










Knowing me, I probably won't get any of that done

For You.

"Maybe one day you'll write about me on your blog."

I really wonder who that is.
Because,
A. My formspring link hasn't been on my Facebook page for a while so who ever found it must have already known it so they must have already asked me something
And if they did already ask me something... who is it?
I know it's not from a few certain people because I've written about them multiple times .. But who is this.
Who even cares about me anyways besides Synthia?
You got your wish anon. I'm writing about you. I hope you're happy and feel accomplished.

I think ima put my formspring link back on my Facebook so I won't have to think this hard and I can just say "oh it could be anyone"
Who the fuck is it?
Maybe it is one of the people I'm thinking of.
But that wouldn't make sense since I've told them before I've written about them.
Why must you do this to me anon?
Fuck.




I want to write music but it's way too late.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.

What. The. Fuck.

Now I miss you.
And again I shouldn't, but I do.
You lied, but I don't care.
I'm weak. I'll completely look past lies, past terrible things they said they wouldn't do and forgive them and want them back.
Now I miss someone else.
Why can't I have you back?
I wanna cry.
Fuck the past. I just want you. But I'll never have you. You'll barely be a friend to me now.
Fuck you all. I hate so many people.
But I also love a lot of people.
Why can't the people I love see this and love me back?
They never will and I never will be brave enough to tell them this.










Sometimes I really don't like being me.

I Need To Say This.

It's been over a week since I've written here.
This song makes me miss you.
I shouldn't miss you.
Every time I tell people even some of the things that happened between us they basically say that I should hate you. One was even trying to get me to say awful things about you but I can't.
I can't hurt people like that.
I really don't know why I miss you. Like I've said, I shouldn't miss you.
But why do I?
Could it be I still have feelings for you? That even I'm not sure of. I'm not sure of many things anymore. I'm just trying to live my life now in days.
Seriously, why does this song make me miss you?
Sometimes I think of attempting to talk to you but I never do...







I have nothing left to say and every-time we do talk it just ends up ending abruptly and awkwardly.

Fuck I wish it was Wednesday instead. I don't really want to go to my Tuesday/Thursday classes today.
I'm just gonna end this.
I hope I start writing in this more.

Parasite.

Sometimes I feel like a parasite when it comes to relationships.
We'll be together and at first everything is great but then after I while I unravel and things just get terrible.
I seem to destroy every relationship which after a while gets so frustrating it gets to the point where I'm at now which is not even wanting to try and to be mad at others even though it's my fault.
I'm just really bitter I guess.
Like unsweetened chocolate, except I'd rather you not attempt to eat me because I'm not into cannibalism.

Friends.

Sometimes I feel like I become friends with people I was never supposed to become friends with.
Not like, oh he does drugs I'm not supposed to be friends with him, it's more like, I try my best to be your friend and you don't give a fuck when I try to talk to you.
Those people are the ones that I feel like I was supposed to never to be friends with.
Also another way to describe them would be the ones who say they'll be your best friend and then they never talk to you.
Then when you attempt to talk to them they'll talk for a little bit but then stop.
I have too many friends like that.

Shadow.

My shadowing/interview went pretty well and everybody there seemed cool so I really hope I got in.
I really don't want to go to school tomorrow though.
Fuck Dover high :/

You Stay Classy San Diego.

I have an shadow/Interview day at CATA tomorrow and yeah I'm nervous.
At least I'll be with Jake all day.
And I also am happy because I actually have a band now.
I'm drumming for "You Stay Classy San Diego" now which'll be fun and I hope we can actually play gigs so I'll be able to play my first gig ever.

Sometimes I Wonder Who Reads This.

I get a bunch of views a week but who the fuck really reads this?
I know 5 people who do but besides that, I'm lost.
...why do people read this? 90% of this blog is just hateful post and depressing things.
The other 10% is just random.
I think I'm gonna try writing in this more often.

Deleting A Bunch Of Post,

Like a boss.

Now I Sit Here,

With my brain eating away at me telling me I'm a terrible person and that I should have just told you I understood right away.
I hate when I do this. When I screw up telling someone I understand.
Thinking now I hate whenever I screw up.
I'm a people pleaser. I always try to put others before me, and I hate when I fail to make someone happy and I end up making them mad.
It just eats at me until I either freak out or I just sit there and wait it out.
I wish I could be perfect so no one would get mad at me when I fail to make them happy.

For Some Reason,

I hate myself right now. I don't know why, I just do.
I hate how I can't be happy right now. Fuck I hate this and myself.
Le Fu-

Today,

Was fucking amazing.
Made it to school on time and then sat with a cute and wonderful girl and asked her out. And she said yes. :3
Then I saw her throughout the day till I went home. And then talking to her when I got home was pretty great too :3
My bro finally made a film for the film fest and submitted it today along with another thing he made.
He also might be adding the second part to the other thing he made and might be adding another thing.
I also might actually get into cata which would be interesting.
Everything is nice and I really hope I can at least stay happy for sometime longer. I don't get to be happy very often so this is great :3

Band.

The other day while hanging out at my buddies band practice for the second time I asked one of my friends if I could sing for them and he said he'd think about it.
When I went home and thought about it I figured he'd just shrug It off and find somebody else which was okay with me because its happened many times befit but the strange thing was that he walked up to me this morning and told me if I wanted to sing for them I could audition on Wednesday.
I was really caught off guard that he actually really thought about it, and it made me happy.
I told him I would think about it. Which I did.
I spent the entire day asking a few of my closest friends if I should and they all said yeah but I was still scared to say I'll go for it because I'm afraid I won't be good enough for it.
I ended up saying yes after school today despite not being a hounded percent sure because I mean, what's the worse that could happen?
I would just get rejected for the billionth time which is okay.
And the best thing that could happen would be j actually got in which would be amazing because I'm friends with everyone in it and plus I know I'm a good fit because we spent the entire day together and I clashed with everyone well.
This post has made me feel better about this.
I'm sorta more confident.
If only it'd help my stomach calm down xD Dx

I decided.

To be a little more like I usually am to everyone else on here as well. Where normally on here I'm super serious.

Actual New Years Resolutions.

•Be a stronger kid.
•Be less of a bitch.
•Get in/make a serious band.
•Be different then the way I was last year with girls.
•Become less attached to girls.
•Get out of the house more often.
•GET A FUCKING PHONE.
I would say swear less but that's impossible and plus I don't want to be less vulgar.
•Find out what I want to do in life

•Find out who I am.
As I said to my English teacher Ms. Parsont;
This year will be about finding myself.

OHHH SHIT. A post about girls I like.

I like a few at the moment. (this post seems really silly to write.)
Although it's kinda pointless to like a few of them, I still do.
For one of them its sorta strange. I like them, even though it's quite obvious Nothings going to happen and it's proven time and time again but I still like them. Sorta silly, but what you gonna do?
I like another, but its also sorta really pointless to like her too. It's also again proven many times that nothing will happen, but still, I like her.


Seriously, this post seems really silly and pointless but I guess I'll post it anyways.
I sorta like this post, it makes me feel immature and it reminds me of a better time in my past which makes me happy.
I like this post.

Happiness Comes At a Price.

It always does.